Tonight Jake Gyllenhaal—he of the beautiful blue eyes and frequent epic facial hair—opens the off-Broadway play If There Is I Haven’t Found It Yet at The Roundabout’s Laura Pels Theatre. Before the reviews come in, we decided to imagine Jake in a handful of other important stage roles—all of them musicals, because that’s how we role—and then, share our imaginings with you. Jake might kind of suck at some, or just be weirdly cast in others. But we dig ‘em, and we’d pay money to see him take on any one of these, any day of the week because even if turned out to be the crappiest, it’d still be kind of spectacular. In other words, it’d be craptacular at worst, and we think that’s kind of the best.
Inspector Javert, Les Miserables
Imagine it now. That big, strapping military coat with those impressive lapels on Jake Gyllenhaal’s beautiful chest. It’s quite the visual, right? It just seems perfect. Plus, we know he can grow the crazy ass sideburns, or whatever facial hair the character calls for. Can he sing it? Who the fuck knows. He doesn’t look like his voice is all that deep. But maybe we can just station Norm Lewis off-stage with a microphone and Jake can lip-synch. That can’t be beyond his acting prowess, can it?
Curly McLain, Oklahoma
Okay. So this role is way less booming baritone-y than Javert, right? So Jake might be able to make it happen! And besides all that, being beautiful is pretty clutch for any potential Curly and that is Jake’s absolute finest skill. Plus, homeboy kind of looks like a corn-fed farmer. And one of his most famous roles ever was as a rancher in Brokeback Mountain, which is not exactly the same (we know, we know, we have seen Oklahoma), but we feel like it was good preparation anyway.
Claude Hooper Bukowski, Hair
It’s kind of hilarious to imagine Jake with that Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time hair back on top of his head, wearing some ripped up bellbottoms, singing about drug use and being vulnerable and confused, right? Like Donnie Darko, except less creepy-sci-fi and more hippy-drug-addled. Maybe we can even work a bunny costume into the mix in one of the Act II trip scenes for him. In any case, we’d kind of love to watch him be torn between Sheila and Berger and we bet he could break out hearts at the end.
Fabrizio Naccarelli, The Light in the Piazza
Tall, dark(ish) and handsome? Check! Looks good without a shirt on just like Aaron Lazar/Steven Pasquale/Matthew Morrison? Check! Able to carry the romantic lead? Check! Sounds pretty perfect to us.
Daniel “Rooster” Hannigan, Annie
Smarmy would-be criminal with a really, really bad mustache played by Jake Gyllenhaal? Comedy gold. Also, The Mick volunteers to make like Annie and curl her hair before letting Jake Rooster actually kidnap her. Step aside, children. Leave this one for the adults.
Credit: Joan Marcus