Oscar Hammerstein, you’ve let me down.
Halfway through Act II at Cinderella, things are going swimmingly. Prince Topher and Cinderella have been reunited after the first ball. In a matter of hours, Ella has transformed Topher’s life, given him a sense of direction and purpose he sorely lacked, and planted a few soul rocking smooches on him.
And just when we think that like… Topher has his shit together and he recognizes that this girl makes his whole life 10,000% better, and he’s just going to get it over with and propose, he busts out the least romantic question we can even think of: “Do I love you because you’re beautiful, or are you beautiful because I love you?”
Translation: “Am I a shallow douche, or are you maybe just not attractive in the real world?”
Look. We get that you wrote this in the 50s, Oscar. And we get that a lot of people accept this romantic trope that our beloved becomes even more beautiful in our eyes by nature of the fact that we love them. But let’s be real. We don’t want to hear a bro hemming and hawing. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
All any girl—or guy, for that matter—ever wants to hear is “You’re beautiful and I love you.” Six words. Period. No questions. The details are just a boner-killer of epic proportions. Especially in the fairy tale-iest fairy tale there ever was, Cinderella. In the real world, boys are stupid. In fairy tales, they’re charming. Why let them appear otherwise, Oscar, why?
Anyway now that we’ve vented our Cinderella beef, we’re left wondering, are we alone on this?