After a few long, quiet months in which half our favorite shows closed and Spider-Man was the only new thing to talk about—if you were willing to break the embargo, that is—The Craptacular is excited to be gearing up for the Spring Season (finally!). This process involves a fair amount of exuberant conversation and lots of complex calendar wrangling/schedule bloodshed. Besides our mangled schedules, though, there really is only one fly in the ointment—there are a handful of big shows this season we’re struggling to feel enthusiastic about, no matter what we do. Below, a list.
Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
There are no new songs. The story isn’t original. Hell, Will Swenson’s not even in the ads. It’s not all Priscilla’s fault, but we can’t help but see this show as the poster child of a depressing Broadway trend—the 100% recycled Frankenshow. It has no real composer or score, and a plot where everyone knows the ending already. Don’t get us wrong. Will Swenson will get us into the theater. But for all the joy and fantastic good times this show promises, we’re having a little trouble feeling it.
Sister Act
The thing about Sister Act, all these years later, is that it’s still about nuns. It might have the greatest cast in the world, and the snappiest songs. But it’s still all-nuns, all the time. Maybe we’re in the minority here, but we can easily think of like 4,000 things we’d rather spend money on than a show about nuns. We’re excited about new Alan Menken songs, because we really do see ourselves as Ariel and Belle in human form and a girl never lets that go. But really, we just wish that Sister Act was about something other than nuns.
Wonderland
Something about Wonderland is so deeply unappealing there are just no words. We care so little about this show that we had to go read stuff about it to even come up with some shit to say, and still, we got nothing. So. There you have it.
Book of Mormon
Maybe we’re just bitter that Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson didn’t survive a cruel January. But we’re feeling like we’ve had enough mouthy stage satire this season, thankyouverymuch. And then there were the (apparently unfounded) rumors that Cheyenne Jackson would lead the cast that never came to fruition leaving us with a cast full of…who, again? While introducing a preview of the show, Trey Parker’s used Mick’s favorite, bizarrely offensive word (the c-word) and even that hasn’t fully shaken us from the Latter Day Saints funk we’re feeling.
That Championship Season
We can pinpoint the exact instant we lost interest in this show: the moment rumors of Liev Schreiber’s involvement were squashed. Because for five hot seconds, Twitter exploded with the news that Liev would be starring alongside Kiefer Sutherland and our collective panties were in an enormous knot of enthusiasm for this show. And then…no more Liev. Sorry, folks, but we just cannot forgive the Liev bait and switch.
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The bait and switch is not only unforgivable, but actually hurt their show. Kiefer Sutherland, Chris Noth and Jason Patric in a play together sounds mildly intriguing and testosterone-filled. But knowing that one of them could have been Liev Schreiber? No. It’s like this. I’m by no means a vegetarian, but I like veggie burgers. If I want a veggie burger, I’ll make one or order one and I’ll eat it and be quite satisfied. But if I ordered a cheeseburger and instead was handed a veggie burger, I would be MASSIVELY DISAPPOINTED and burn the place down. I WANT MY LIEV SCHREIBER AND I WANT HIM MEDIUM WELL.
Girl. I love and support every single word you just said.
M
Hey Ladies, I promise you, you will love Priscilla. I know you are MT purists, but it’s such an uplifting show – it’s a blast. But with a heart. The costumes and songs (which are not original but really are fun) and dialogue are all so pithy and outrageous and it stradles schmaltz and shock and silliness – and I guess with gay relationships so topical in the US, it’s very accepting and affirming. Oh yes, and the main character, Tick, is practically naked in the first 60 seconds of the show. Camp disco, the hottest bodies I guarantee you will see on Broadway and Tony Sheldon, who will really touch you – honestly, it might not be high art, but it is tremendous fun!