So. You want to see The Book of Mormon. Like, right the fuck now. But you’re morally opposed to Premium tickets. Or broke. Or both.
Good news! A little research on the interweb tells you there is this thing called a “Ticket Lottery” for Mormon where a handful of highly coveted tickets are raffled off to a few lucky bastards prior to each performance. You could be one of those lucky bastards! You WILL be!
Except… if you’re not. And then what? Sure, you get entered in this newfangled Losers Lottery but… how does it all work? How does one handle the stress?
Never fear, dear reader, The Craptacular is here to get you up to speed on this whole messy process. Because when it comes to The Book of Mormon ticket lottery we’ve been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt. Like, 12 times.
18 Steps to Losing the Book of Mormon Ticket Lottery
- Arrive the very earliest instant possible to enter your name. Or roll up at the last moment. Or show up somewhere in the middle. Or…
- Write your info on the card provided, then debate the merits of several possible folding methodologies while people huff and tap their feet loudly behind you. Throw card into the Big Golden Drum of Mormon Glory and attempt to wend your way out of the ever-growing crowd in search of oxygen.
- Wait. (Impatiently.)
- Huff/whine/make your companions hate you every time another wave of folks appears to try their luck and enter the lotto, too.
- Suss out the competition. Repeatedly attempt to incorrectly estimate crowd size. Marvel at its demographic makeup—Straight men! Wealthy adults! Seriously old people!
- Lotto begins. Debate whether or not you should fish your ID out of your poorly organized wallet and put it in your pocket. Is it best to be prepared in the event of victory? Will you jinx yourself completely? Miss the first name entirely.
- Attempt to keep a constant tally of the number of names called. There are twenty highly coveted tickets—ten names if everyone wants pairs, more if you get some singles.
- Hold your breath after each name is called. Pray winner has fallen off the face of the earth between the time they entered and the time their card was pulled from the Big Golden Drum of Mormon Glory.
- Remember, karma is only a bitch if you are. Pretend to be happy when people celebrate their victory. Golf clap.
- Do not irritate your companions any further by complaining when self-conscious, unenthusiastic, lame-ass winners who clearly didn’t want it bad enough refuse to celebrate their victory. Do not hiss “Fuck them!” or shout “You don’t deserve it!” Bite your tongue.
- Debate whether or not you’d take the single ticket that’s left, abandoning your friends and risking their ire/jealousy/disdain.
- Feel secretly disappointed when you don’t get the chance to ditch their asses and see the show solo because someone else has just won the final seat.
- Leave, head down, cursing the Gods of Lotto because you’ve lost. Again. Again. Again.
- Convince yourself it’s okay that you’re the only one of your friends who still hasn’t seen the hottest show on Broadway. You’re not mad.
- Realize you’re lying to yourself. Again. Again. Again.
- Head two blocks south to the Barrymore and try to snag a rush ticket to Arcadia so you can comfort yourself with Mathematics, Literature, and Tom Riley/Raul Esparza/Billy Crudup/Waltzing.
- Rinse.
- Repeat.
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