The Craptacular Presents: The 2014 Fauxny Awards

Last night some of theater’s most elite were given some of theater’s most elite fictional awards. As tradition dictates, these awards are voted on by a committee of two, and doled out in a lavish, imaginary ceremony hosted at The Pierre that lasted approximately 5 minutes. There were lots of dick jokes, handsome men, and beautiful dresses.  And lots of gin at the after-party.

We’re really sorry you weren’t there to watch us make fools of ourselves over multi-hyphenate, multi-award-winner writer-director-general-hot-person Alex Timbers. Or beg Kelli O’Hara for tips on how to give our hair the perfect, glossy shine and bodacious waves. Maybe next year.

For now, at least, you can scope the list of winners.

Best Magic Trick Stolen From Another Show That’s Been Open For The Last 25 Years
The Magic Phantom Chair, Aladdin

Best Newly Elected Baricade Boy Hottie/Member of History’s First Boyband
Jason Forbach, Feuilly, Les Miserables

Best Rack on Broadway and Maybe of Ever
Kelli O’Hara, The Bridges of Madison County

Best Performance by Ankles in a Musical
The Ones Attached to Neil Patrick Harris, Hedwig and The Angry Inch 

Best Attempt at Disguising Real Tattoos with Fake Tattoos
Andy Karl, Rocky: Das Musical

Best Crazy Interview with a Tony Nominee About How It’s Hotter to Have Sex with her Husband Now That He’s All Jacked Up for His Tony Nominated Role
Orfeh

Best/Most Shaggable Javert Ever
Will Swenson

Best Singing While Dying by a Canadian on Broadway
Tie – Ramin Karimloo & Caissie Levy, Les Miserables
First Runner Up: Nick Cordero, Bullets Over Broadway

Best Hair That’s Not on Alex Timbers’ Head
Steven Pasquale, The Bridges of Madison County

Best Use of A Vowel on Broadway
The “Aaaaaaa’s,” Steven Pasquale, The Bridges of Madison County

Best Gratuitous Acapella Singing in a Place Where It’s Probably Not Necesssary
Steven Pasquale, The Bridges of Madison County

Best Shirtless Chest on Broadway
Steven Pasquale, The Bridges of Madison County

Best Barefoot Performance
Steven Pasquale, The Bridges of Madison County

Best Distracting eCigarette in a Broadway Show
The One Smoked by Amber Iman, Soul Doctor

Best Direction that Has Literally Ever Graced the Great White Way and What the Fuck Why Are We Giving You Awards Because Shouldn’t You Be Getting Actual Tonys?
Alex Timbers, Rocky: Das Musical

Best Rent Sequel
If/Then

Best Playbill
The Hurt Locker, the Musical

Best Bewitching Eyebrows
Bryce Pinkham, A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder

Best Norbert Leo Butz Impersonation That’s Not Supposed to be a Norbert Leo Butz Impersonation on Broadway
Michael C Hall, The Realistic Joneses

Best Entrance Applause for a Set and Not an Actor
The Sides of Beef, Rocky: Das Musical

Best Portrayal of a Rock Star by Someone Who Looks Nothing Like Said Rock Star
Jessie Mueller as Carole King, Beautiful

Best Oversimplification of A Rock Star’s Tragic, Life-Ending Addiction
That Single Bottle of Jim Beam that Mary Bridget Davies Takes a Few Swigs From, A Night with Janis Joplin

Best Performance by Andrew Kober Playing Andrew Kober in Various Roles in a Musical
Andrew Kober, Les Miserables, The Foreman, Innkeeper, Babet, u/s Bamatabois

Best Threesome That Never Happens Except You Spend Basically The Entire Show Kind of Wishing That It Would
Colin Donnell, Sutton Foster & Joshua Henry, Violet

Best Biceps in a Musical
Tie: Colin Donnell, Violet & Andy Karl, Rocky: Das Musical

Best Cherry Red Christmas Dress Worn by an Adorable Actress With Bangs in a Musical
The Cherry Red Christmas Dress on Margot Siebert, Rocky: Das Musical

Best Performance by a Woman Playing a Man Playing a Woman
Lena Hall, Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Best Performance by a Man Playing a Woman Playing a Man
Samuel Barnett, Twelfth Night

Best Reuse of A Car Hanging from the Ceiling in a Musical Directed by Michael Mayer
Michael Mayer, Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Best Book of a Musical by a Man Who Makes Us Wish We Were Gay Men So We Could Maybe Marry Him
Hedwig and the Angry Inch, John Cameron Mitchell

Best Composer Who We Totally Want to Shag
Stephen Trask, Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Best Performance by Teeth in a Broadway Actor’s Mouth
Adam Jacobs, Aladdin

Best Portrayal of a Rock Group That’s Wildly Different Than the Last Portrayal of the Same Rock Group in a Broadway show Two Seasons Ago
Alysha Delsorieux, Ashley Blanchet, Carly Hughes, and Rashidra Scott as The Shirelles in Beautiful

Best Chest That Remains Mostly Disappointingly Clothed in a Broadway Show
Wallace Smith, Rocky

Best Decision to Omit Neil Diamond as a Character in a Broadway Show
Beautiful

Best Second Floor of a Set of a Musical Directed by Michael Greif This Season
If/Then

Best Attempt at Making Totally Suspect Cultural References and Appropriation Like, Totally Not a Problem, Dude
Aladdin

Best Stage Within a Stage Within a Stage
A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder

Best Period Costumes That We Kind of Want to Wear This Weekend
A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder

Best Performance by Derek Klena in a Musical
Derek Klena, The Bridges of Madison County

Best Reuse of Music from Riverdance
The Cripple of Inishmaan