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9 Amazing Musicals that STILL Didn’t Win Best Musical

by lucky and the mick on June 7, 2013

Well, this is it kids. The Tonys are upon us. Tomorrow is the cocktail party where all the special awards are distributed (granted? bestowed?) and Sunday is the big dance. As we prepare our overexcited selves for the show, we’re also preemptively bracing for potential heartbreak and disappointment. And reminding ourselves that Tony Awards aren’t everything (hah!) by compiling a list of badass musicals that are no less badass for having missed out on The Tonys’ top prize.

Sunday in the Park with George

Stephen Sondheim has won himself a veritable truckload of Tonys, we know. But Sunday in the Park with George, his opus about the creation of art and the struggle of building a meaningful life — as an artist, and as a human — never won best musical and that breaks our artistic souls into tiny little pieces. Sure, La Cage aux Folles is fun and it says some real nice things and we love us some Harvey Fierstein round these parts, but… it defeated Sunday in the Park, a work of art steeped in genuine heartache and longing? What? At the end of the day Sondheim laughed his way back to the extremely large townhouse he owns with a Pulitzer for Sunday in the Park, so all was not lost in the world but if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to go listen to “Finishing the Hat” and weep again anyway.

Into the Woods

Want some actual comedy in your day? Just try imagining what Stephen Sondheim’s face must have looked like in the moment he heard that Andrew Lloyd Webber’s The Phantom of the Opera had bested Into the Woods at the 1988 Tony Awards. Hilar, right? Of course, we’d all laugh more if it were made up, and Into the Woods had actually won itself that Tony, because seriously… How is it even possible that all those synthesizers and Sarah Brightman’s click-track defeated the intricate, wry, dark, masterpiece laced with the longing and desperation of modern life that is Into the Woods? But we digress. Because again, that mental image — somewhere between shock, horror, hatred and constipation — is fucking priceless and we cherish it. Even if we’re still kind of bullshit that ALW won.

Miss Saigon

Ok, so we admit that we were barely old enough to watch MTV in 1991, but we wish that someone, anyone, would explain The Will Rogers Follies to us. Because frankly, nothing seems to justify two hours of chorus girls with humongous pom-poms on their boobs. Nothing. We’re sure the dancing was great, and Keith Carradine was winning in his handsome/unhandsome way, and we totally get that the score was written by BROADWAY LEGENDS, but in 2013, we’d rather see Miss Saigon any day of the week and twice on Wednesdays and Saturdays. (Take note, Cameron Mackintosh.) We get that its Broadway transfer was mired in controversy, and it was written by a lyricist whose first language was not English, and it shows. (You can buy me a beer.) But nothing tears our still-beating hearts from our chests like that moment where Kim and Chris are searching for each other as South Vietnam teeters on political collapse. The helicopter? Well, that was necessary just to drive the point home. The proof is sort of in the pudding with this one, though, at least in terms of the show’s resilience over time. The Will Rogers Follies, even with its Tony win, played for 981 performances. Miss Saigon played 4,092.

Jelly’s Last Jam

So, here’s an original idea, you guys. Let’s write a new musical, with a brand new book, and populate it entirely with kicky Gershwin tunes. It’s a guaranteed winner, right? Right? Well, it was back in the dark ages otherwise known as 1992, because Crazy for You rode that train all the way to the Best Musical Tony. We can’t hate on it too much, because come on, it starred Ariel. But looking back, it’s hard to figure how more serious fare like Jelly’s Last Jam lost out. Directed by George C. Wolfe and starring both a baby Savion Glover and a very grownup Gregory Hines dancing their faces off — and Tonya Pinkins in a Tony-winning supporting role — it seems like a Best Musical no-brainer. Alas, those were different times, when Ariel had more clout…

Urinetown

Remember that time that these two guys wrote this really strange, brainy, ironic musical about people living in a society where you have to pay to pee — but it was actually a musical about musicals? Oh, we do. We especially remember when it lost the Best Musical trophy to Thoroughly Modern Millie, a show that looked like it barfed all over itself and only missed the narrow spot where Sutton Foster and Gavin Creel were standing being awesome. The Millie win was a bit of a heartbreaker for us, particularly because it seemed like Broadway had such a chance to make a bold statement about what a great musical could be. Plus, we will never — never — get over the Urinetown gag with pregnant Megan Lawrence and the leg brace. Never.

The Light in the Piazza/Dirty Rotten Soundrels

So, you have three choices. You can choose a searing, literate, weepingly emotional, sweepingly melodic portrait of a young woman finding herself in Italy with shirtless Matthew Morrison. Or you can choose a whizbang, mile-a-minute show about two con men bluffing their way through Europe with Norbert Leo Butz giving the most flawless comedic performance in memory. Or you can choose an overblown adaptation of a Monty Python movie that’s more or less… exactly like the movie, only with more songs you can’t remember. Well… the Tony voters will take door number three…

Next to Normal

We’ve got it. Children are like, totes adorable, and it’s really cool to see a show in which some adult has clearly managed to wrangle a passel of them — most of us can barely get one to behave! — into doing amazing things like dancing and singing in harmony. And in fairness to Billy Elliot, in a struggling economic climate, it did tell a very relevant story of perseverance and hope. But stacked up against Next to Normal, a show that musicalized a family’s very private struggle with mental illness, and made going to the theater a heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, full-body experience, set firmly in modern times? We just felt a little crushed that Billy Elliot took home the top Tony. But hey. At least the Pulitzer Prize committee was Team Next to Normal, right?

American Idiot

WTF, universe, WTF. You have the opportunity to award new composers — who happen to be both very famous and very smitten with the Broadway — for a piece of extremely relevant, groundbreaking theater that speaks to an entirely new generation, and you choose what? The pastiche-y musical that whitewashes history? Failure! And while we understand that voters perhaps felt the need to lash out against the profusion of jukebox musicals in this world, we just really feel like American Idiot was not the show to punish. Because that Punk Rock Opera was conceived and constructed to tell a story from its very first note to its very last gasp, and the fact that it topped the pop charts doesn’t change that. We’ll forever be sad that this gem — which spoke so directly to the experience of living in our generation that it was often difficult to watch — never won the Tonys it deserved. But we’ll tell ourselves it was ahead of its time and comfort ourselves with the fact that Billie Joe Armstrong continues to write showtunes, so he may win his Tony yet.

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Patina Miller, You Win the Tony of My Heart

by lucky on June 7, 2013

OMG, Patina,

For us, this year, there is you and only you. Not even the pearly-pale light reflecting off of Matthew James Thomas’s charmingly freckled back could distract us from your amazingness in Pippin. Well, it did for a second, but then we came right back.

Forget Sister Act forever, please. Forget it ever happened. Because we are back in the just and comfortable corner of the universe (sky?) where you are starring — and we do mean starring — in a show that is worthy of you. Cold as ice and sinister as a snake, you are the urgently demented, moderately terrifying, estrogen-and-strychtnine-laden heartbeat of Diane Paulus’s incredible production. And the singing? As we have always said of you: When Patina Miller sings, forget it. Nobody else wins. There are no other nominees. There are no consolation prizes and no sympathy given. Top that, Cinderella.

We hope you win the real Tony, and we think you have a hell of a shot, but if you don’t,you win the Tony of our Hearts and Souls and Minds. And the Tony of Amazing Biceps, too.

photo: nbcnewyork.com

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Bertie Carvel, You Win the Tony of My Heart

by lucky on June 7, 2013

Bertie,

Ok, so we have a specific weakness for handsome British men. This is well documented and understood. But. When a handsome British man gives a tour-de-force performance in the biggest musical of the year? Yeah, we can get into that.

Your performance as Matilda’s severe and severely coiffed teacher, Agatha Trunchbull, had us both recoiling in terror and laughing until we wept. Because for all her cartoonish setup — her towering height and knee socks and set of 48DDDs — there is a real person under there with some real, real damage.

For that, you win the Tony of Our Hearts. Bonus points for being in the Les Miz movie. And for giving us one of the most captivating New York Times theater profiles of the year, wherein you a) kind of made fun of Williamsburg and then admitted that you liked it and b) called yourself a socialist, even though that can be a scary thing to say to the paper of record in America. Well done you on both counts. We hope Broadway figures out a way to keep you around for a while. Parade revival, anyone?

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You Were Robbed: 10 Actors Who Probably Should Have Won Tony Awards, But Didn’t

by lucky and the mick on June 7, 2013

Don’t even lie. You watch the Tonys every year and there’s always one award that leaves you shaking your first and cursing at the TV. Here are our favorite actors who couldn’t manage to eke out a Tony Award, despite being beautiful and talented and awesome…

Raul Esparza

That Raul makes the cut will shock exactly zero persons on the face of this earth who like theater. Nominated four times — once in each acting category, making Mr. Esparza on the second actor ever to pull off that feat — Raul just can’t seem to catch a break. In this case, at least for us, the second cut is the deepest. When Raul lost the Leading Actor in a Musical Tony to David Hyde Pierce in 2007, we ugly cried like Claire Danes in a Homeland montage. We thought for sure his Bobby in Company — fucked up in the same ambiguous way all of our exes were — was the one. The winner. And if our habit of emotionally cutting by listening to his “Being Alive” on dreadfully bad days is any indication, we haven’t changed our minds. In fact, we may never get over that loss. We hope Raul has, though. Or at least that he lets the loss fuel his hatefire and keeps coming back to try again.

Jonathan Groff

So, yes. Technically Groffalicious was up against Raul Esparza in 2007. But this is our website, and not a totally fair and judicious democracy like, say, the Tony Awards. So we can decide that they were BOTH robbed simultaneously. And with his staggeringly good performance as Melchior Gabor — seriously, when he took over the role, Groff made Ben Walker look like a creepy rapist AND a bad actor — the star of a show that felt fresh and experimental and accessible to a whole new theater audience, our hearts really did belong to Groff that year. Now we just live in abject fear that famous Mr. Groff will never come back to Broadway in a musical — HBO pays better, after all — and also comfort ourselves with the vision of Groff and Esparza being all “Fuck that guy!” and hugging it out in the men’s room at Radio City.

Michael Cavanaugh

So let’s talk for a minute about The Other Cavanaugh — Michael — who was nominated for the Best Featured Actor in a Musical Tony in 2003 and lost to Dick Latessa, who won for Hairspray. Now, no shade to Dick. We love him. But Michael, in addition to being fiercely talented and adorable in a kind of wide-eyed, WTF-am-I-even-doing-on-Broadway kind of way, was the glue that held the already-amazing Movin’ Out together. Without a single spoken word of dialogue, and without ever standing up from his piano bench while Twyla Tharp’s dancers contorted themselves into knots below him, Michael gave that show a pretty crucial thing — its narrative voice. How crucial? He got nominated for a Tony award for acting and he’s not even an actor. Boom. He’s also not a Tony winner, and that’s just a bummer.

Andre DeShields and Roger Bart at the Same Time

Was Gary Beach funny in The Producers? Yeah, he was. But if you had to give a Tony Award to somebody in that show in the Best Featured Actor in a Musical category, why not Roger Bart? He made us laugh harder and was totally way weirder. And we like weird. Obviously that should add up to a Tony Award, no? Yeah, we get that he already won for You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown, and that The Confusing Politics and Assorted Ephemeral Weirdness of the Tonys nominating/winning process is always in play, but in a contest of abject hilarity, Roger still wins in our book. And do not even get us started on Andre DeShields. The man has been nominated for a pair of Tonys and no one can figure out how to make him win one. If The Wiz himself can’t even make it happen, we give up.

Barbra Streisand

Whatever, Carol Channing. Whatever.

Brent Carver

Clearly the Tony voters missed the memo that whenever Canada’s Brent Carver is nominated for a Tony, he should win. We know. Yadda yadda, he already won. But did Martin Short really need to win a Tony for playing Martin Short in Little Me? Did he really? We think that if Brent couldn’t win, he at least should have won a special Tony Award the following year for giving The Best Tonys Performance Ever. Because seriously, between him and Carolee Carmello in this clip from 1999, it seems like someone should get a trophy.

Patrick Wilson

Ok, so we’re biased in favor of youthful handsomeness and golden tenor voices. Fine. We’ll cop to that. But we’re also biased in favor of truly great performances, and Patrick Wilson’s in The Full Monty was one of those. It wasn’t the scenery-swallowing smorgasboard that was Nathan Lane in The Producers — a guaranteed Tony winner if there ever was one — but we’re still a little wounded that Patrick lost. Patrick’s performance as a vulnerable, end-of-the-line single Dad had us both teary eyed and turned on — all the good things you should be at the theater. Plus, he should have won for convincing anyone, at any point in time, that he’s not hot enough to play a stripper. Pardon us, a male dancer.

Andrew Rannells

If there were a contest for memory’s most recent highway robbery at the Tony Awards, Andrew Rannells’ Elder Price would be the clear winner. His perfectly calibrated performance as Elder Price in The Book of Mormon — equal parts wild, desperate pathos and genuine faith and hope — grabbed hold of the audience and refused to let go. In the closing scenes of the second act, Rannells raised a single eyebrow while questioning his belief in God, and we almost shouted “GIVE THAT EYEYBROW A TONY!” right there in the theater. The worst part of his loss, though? In the aftermath, people seemed to attribute the utter perfection of his performance, not to Andrew himself, but to the writers who created the role and the casting directors who put him in it. Because clearly his talent and effort on that stage meant nothing at all. Ugh. Talk about robbery.

Sherie Rene Scott

Look, we’ll level with you here. Sherie Rene Scott’s performance in Everyday Rapture — the one-woman show based upon her very real life — made us weep profusely in our seats. Scott laid herself bare on the stage, and in doing so, connected with audiences on a deeply human, deeply relatable level. In the way only the best shows and performances truly can, Scott’s story became universal–as much yours as it was hers. Your struggles were there, on that stage. Your heart and soul were too. You were understood and moved, and knew yourself better for having spent time with Ms. Scott. In that way, too, her loss felt sort of personal. Especially at the hands of Catherine Zeta-Jones, who was perfectly serviceable, but nowhere near as remarkable.

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Kristine Nielsen, You Win the Tony of My Heart

by lucky on June 6, 2013

Kristine, lovely Kristine,

Oh, but the phone call scene. The phone call scene. The phone call scene. It’s a rare and lovely thing indeed when an audience hangs on an actor’s every word. When they groan and cheer and laugh along with a character’s foibles and incongruities and… um… hilarious impersonations of British actresses. But that phone call scene. In Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike, there is nothing else like the phone call scene.

In the moment when Sonia — after decades of ruminating at home with her brother — finally is asked out on, and accepts, a date, the audience cheered. Whens she nearly turned it down out of fear and insecurity, the audience gasped in horror and dismay. They wanted her to say yes. They wanted her to say yes so, so badly.

Now that’s how to work it, Kristine Nielsen. For that moment — and hell, for that Maggie Smith impression — you win the Tony of our hearts. And you were already near and dear to our hearts anyway, as is anyone who first comes to our attention because they gave a pouty Ben Walker a juice box…

photo: broadway.com

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Tom Sturridge, You Win the Tony of My Heart

by the mick on June 6, 2013

There was so much drama surrounding this year’s Alec Baldwin-led revival of Orphans that it was hard to walk into the Gerald Schoenfeld Theatre with a totally open mind. Especially when it came to Tom Sturridge, whose wanky comments about rehearsal-room privacy and criticism of Pat Healey’s reporting practices made us kind of want to kick him in the teeth.

But the truth is, once the show got under way, none of that mattered. Because his performance was so wonderful, so perfectly calibrated and all-consuming, that nothing else mattered. Because in a world of put up or shut up, Sturridge put up. And how.

His Phillip was so fully realized–from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head, from every breath that he took to every word that he spoke to every tick and twitch of his hands–it seemed as if Sturridge had temporarily taken up resident in another person’s skin. This was more than just a performance–it was a whole other life. By the end of the show we were swooning and mentally shuffling all of our Tony predictions. But, since I can’t award real Tonys, I’m left to cross my fingers this Sunday and, in the meantime, give Tom the Tony of My Heart.

Photo: Slaven Vlasic

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Will Chase, You Win the Tony of My Heart

by the mick on June 5, 2013

I was a late bloomer. I’ll admit it. It took me literal years to climb on board the Will Chase is Awesome Express.

In fact, it wasn’t until this winter, after seeing his performance as John Jasper in The Mystery of Edwin Drood, that I really got it. Sure. He’s always been disgustingly handsome, (you know, if you like that strapping, blonde, matinee idol sort of thing). But–and this may shock you–it takes more than looks to snag my attention and I guess I’d just never seen Will in a role that truly felt right.

But John Jasper. Oh, John Jasper. That dastardly, mustache-twirling, semi-villainous bro who rocked my world and made me love Will Chase. I owe you much for helping me see the light. And Will owes you much for giving him the opportunity to give such a ridiculously good performance as such a gleefully bad baddie. And, you know, for winning him the outrageously important Tony of My Heart.

‘Grats, Will. And please, come back to Broadway and chew scenery again soon. I really miss you now.

Photo: Joseph Marzullo

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Keala Settle, You Win the Tony of My Heart

by the mick on June 5, 2013

Every once in a while there comes a show who’s badness does not completely negate its value or make you wish for a time turner so you can have several hours of your life back. This year, that show was Hands on a Hardbody, a musical that didn’t exactly work, per se, but its valiant attempt at telling a complex story and reaching a new audience was totally worth the endeavor.

Sometimes, if you’re really lucky, that sort-of-bad-but-not-worthless-or-painfully-dreadful show introduces you to an actress you may not have noticed before. Probably because she was never given the opportunity to steal the show from legends like Keith Carradine before, but I digress.

Enter Keala Settle, whose brilliant performance provided Hands on a Hardbody with a much-needed, tangible emotional core–something audience members could reach out and grab hold of (or keep a hand on, as it were)–on the long slog to victory. Settle also had the rare opportunity to create a character of deep, effusive religious faith who was neither preachy nor crazy nor insufferable, which was both unexpected and refreshing.

For those reasons–and the sheer effort it must have taken to fake-laugh herself silly 8 times a week–Keala wins the Tony of My Heart in spades. Can’t wait to see you on the red carpet, girl.

Photo: Jenny Anderson

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Billy Magnussen, You Win the Tony of My Heart

by lucky on June 4, 2013

Yo Billy Magnussen,

We get that you’re handsome. We really do. That you are the ultimate sun-kissed surfer boy of our frozen New York City dreams. That your bare chest was basically its own character in Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike, and therefore we had no choice but to love and revere you forever, because we worship at the alter of impressive barechestedness like it’s our jobs.

But here’s the thing. Beyond your button-popping solar plexus of wonder, you are giving a great performance in that show. A silly, literally/figuratively stupid, foil-for-everything, endearing performance that we loved. And loved, and loved.

So you get down with your Tony nomination, but you’ve already won something: The Tony of our Hearts. And also possibly the Tony of Our Ladyparts.

photo: papermag

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Pop Quiz: Who’s Your Tonys Dream Date (Gents Edition)

by the mick on June 4, 2013

The month of May just tore past and now, the big night is nearly here. You’ve got your shoes selected and your duds freshly pressed. You’ve even worked out your drinking strategy for the evening. There’s just one tiny hiccup of a problem. You haven’t lined up your date yet.

Have no fear. We’re here to help you narrow down the sea of options and find the best date for your unique Tonys style.

Just bust out your number 02’s, and get ready to tally your answers to our little quiz. Sure, you’ll have to do a tiny bit of math. But imagine the handsome man waiting for you at the other end of this equation. That makes things easier, now, doesn’t it?

What are you wearing?

Super-formal, and gilded head-to-toe. ( 1 pt)
Black. ( 2 pts)
It will probably involve a crown but also be suitable for riding a unicycle. ( 3 pts)
Something natty, with a deadly pair of shoes. ( 4 pts)

Do you really really need your date to win tonight?

He’s already won, so, I guess I can withstand the crushing blow of defeat if I have to. ( 2 pts)
A loss would be heartbreaking, even if it’s looking nearly certain. ( 4 pts)
Eh, meza/meza. As long as he can accept a defeat with grace, I’m good. ( 3 pts)
I’ve already squared with the likelihood of loss. ( 1 pt)

What’s your idea of a great after-party?

Either some quiet time in a beautiful library or a three-ring spectacle is good with me. (3 pts)
Booze. Intellectual conversation. More booze. (2 pts)
Lots of champagne served in divine glasswear and waltzing. ( 1 pt)
A huge warehouse party, with great friends and tons of laughter. (4 pts)

How do you plan to spend the morning before the awards?

Reading. ( 2 pts)
Being pampered like the royalty I truly am. ( 1 pt)
Trying on every pair of shoes in your closet to ensure you’ve definitely selected the best for the ceremony. ( 4 pts)
Practicing your juggling. ( 3 pts)

Pick your poison:

Something fizzy in a fantastic color. ( 4 pts)
Whiskey, neat. (2 pts)
Mead. ( 3 pts)
What’s in that punch bowl over there? ( 1 pt)

What’s your dream arrival?

Horse-drawn carriage, naturally. ( 1 pt)
Whatever will drop me off closest to the carpet. I don’t want to ruin my shoes. ( 4 pts)
Rolling up on a pair of unicycles, hand in hand. ( 3 pts)
Bentley? Mini-Cooper? Either will do. ( 2 pts)

Does your date honestly think it’s a honor just to be nominated?

Yes! Why would he lie? ( 1 pt)
I think so? He’s gotten pretty good at saying that, at least. ( 3 pts)
Of course not. No one with a brain thinks that. ( 2 pts)
Yes, because he’s the absolute best. ( 4 pts)

What are you planning to do the next day?

Watch BBC Worldwide on my date’s enormous LED telly, drink black coffee. ( 2 pts)
So much coffee, and then, it’s family time. ( 3 pts)
Brunch with my nearest and dearest. There will be so much rehash and laugh about! ( 4 pts)
Sleep in all cuddled up with my handsome date before sharing breakfast in bed. ( 1 pt)

What are you hoping to see in the Swag Bag?

Decadent jewels. Is that too much? ( 1 pt)
Shoes, obviously. And maybe some glittery makeup products. ( 4 pts)
Intelligent reading material. Virgin Atlantic vouchers. ( 2 pts)
Magic tricks and the key to a new library. ( 3 pts)

What’s your red carpet strategy?

To have a rollicking good time. ( 4 pts)
Following the lead of his strong palm. ( 1 pt)
Strutting with class and poise, but goofing off the minute no one is looking. ( 3 pts)
Witty banter–his accent!–and a flask. (2 pts)

Bazinga! You’re done. Now bust out that iPhone of yours and let a calculator do all the math for you. Once you have your magic number, follow the appropriate link below to meet your 2013 Tonys Dream Date.

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