It’s done, you guys. Done. Finito. All gone. And here’s how last night’s ceremony shaped up, from the coolest moments to the lamest…

Everything Old (and Profitable) Is New Again
Never have we felt the influence of the almighty dollar as profoundly as we did on this year’s telecast. Broadway’s revenue powerhouse, The Book of Mormon, opened the show, and with a number that only tenuously and fleetingly tied it to any of this year’s nominated musicals. The pre-show awards were boldly sponsored by Intercontinental Hotels on an individual basis, leaving Norbert Leo Butz and Beth Leavel the totally awkward job of having to call out the sponsorship before they opened nearly every envelope. And then there was the matter of Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines, which effectively bought a four-minute ad in the middle of the show with a number from Hairspray, which performs aboard Royal Caribbean’s Oasis of the Seas ship. Piped in from some random part of the Caribbean, the number felt so utterly cut-rate — and so irrelevant — next to this year’s newer, more polished fare. We know the marketing and ad sales powers in these situations always presume that the average American TV viewer can’t fully grasp what’s being advertised, and can’t tell what’s truly Broadway-calibre and what’s not, but like… we can tell. We can absolutely tell, you guys. Sure, each Tonys performance is essentially an ad for the show itself. But this starts to get real uncomfortable when the thing being advertised isn’t a piece of theater, but a cruise ship. You can call us cynical for noticing, but selling the Tonys telecast like it was just one giant block of bookable ad space — for stuff that isn’t theater? That feels pretty cynical to me, too. Can’t wait for next year’s offering: Staples: The Musical.

The Amazing Opening Number; No, the Other Amazing Opening Number
Neil Patrick Harris’s quirky, wonderful “If Life Were More Like Theater” montage, which re-imagined everyday life as a musical, made us giggle. As far as the cameos went, Amanda Seyfried doesn’t seem to have totally grasped the concept of live performance, but Patti LuPone’s stupendous entrance — with a fucking lawnmower — kind of made our lives.

Black Stache Triumphant
WE SO CALLED IT. Christian Borle, winner of a Tony of Our Hearts, got himself some well-deserved Tony love in the Best Featured Actor In a Play category. His spot-on comic timing and rubber-limbed antics clearly won the voter’s hearts too. While we were busy being incoherent with happiness, he was being dashing and giving a sweet, humble, and witty speech which proved our hearts right. Here’s to many more Tonys, Christian, both of the kind you can put in the bathroom and the kind we make up in our heads.

Porgy and Bess Upsets Follies Like a Boss
The unbridled joy on director Diane Paulus’ face said it all — Porgy and Bess’s win for Best Revival was kind of a shocker. And damn did it feel good to see Paulus take the stage and receive recognition for her part in updating the classic Gershwin/Heyward opera for the 21st century. We can only imagine what it must have felt like to bag that honor after all the scrutiny brought down upon the show by crotchety old Stephen Sondheim and his early, public criticism of the production. But we’re hoping there was at least one toast to Mr. Sondheim at their after-party. And another to modernity and art and experimentation that still honors its artistic forebears. We’d drink to that!

Judy Kaye Is the Classiest Class Act You Ever Did See
Judy Kaye took home her second Tony for Featured Actress in a Musical for the role of Estonia Dulworth in Nice Work If You Can Get It (her first was for playing Carlotta Giudicelli in The Phantom of the Opera) and simultaneously proved herself to be a total class act. Kaye made tasteful jokes — you get down with your bad self on that chandelier quip, Judy! — and eloquently and succinctly thanked all the people you’re supposed to remember when you get up there on that stage. And then, she broke all of our hearts just a little bit, dedicating the award to her father who passed away just last week. Kaye’s beautifully spoken, heartfelt tribute brought more than a few tears to more than a few eyes. And, in a night full of outsized, made-for-television moments, Judy’s unexpected, quiet tribute left an indelible mark.

Nina Arianda Overshares with Us and Christopher Plummer
Who doesn’t love them some famous people oversharing on network television? I mean, really. The latest and greatest overshare on theater’s biggest stage came at us courtesy of star-on-the-make Nina Arianda told Christopher Plummer — and the entire viewing public — that she had an enormous crush on him as a child. Then she made a vaguely (and possibly unintentional) sexual reference to the way she used to feel when Captain Von Trapp blew a whistle in The Sound of Music. And we absolutely died of happiness. Because a) How fun and lovely and perfect is Nina Arianda, and how wonderfully did she project that essential self on national television? And B) GIRL. Get it! You SO deserved that award for your fierce performance as Vanda in Venus in Fur. Now quick, come be our bestie!

The Revival of Raul Esparza Leap of Faith
There wasn’t a whole lot of love lost on Leap of Faith this spring, but it must be said: the show’s performance on last night’s telecast felt weirdly good. No, the material hasn’t improved. But Leap was part of this season — a big enough part to get a nomination for Best Musical — and in a ceremony that theoretically celebrates the theater season as it was, it felt good to see Leap represented up on that stage. Especially considering we had to sit through a total irrelevant non-equity performance of Hairspray of the Seas, first. Props to Raul — and his likewise revived beard — for turning up and putting on a show, even after being snubbed by the committee like woah.

Ben Vereen Is Confused About Some Things
We love Ben Vereen. The man is a legend. But what happened to him last night? He flubbed the introduction to Jesus Christ Superstar‘s performance so solidly that he wound up calling Canada’s Stratford Shakespeare Festival the Stamford Shakespeare Festival. As one of our Twitter followers pointed out, that would be a way easier from NYC, but… it doesn’t exist. Plus, this will do nothing for US-Canada relations.

Norbert Leo Butz and Beth Leavel Keep It Real
It kind of sucks that the real Tony Awards, the ones for people who actually love theater, have been relegated to a mostly offscreen ceremony wherein the design and writing prizes are presented separately. But. It’s kind of cool, too — a little inside shindig for the die-hards. This year’s sideline, parallel-universe Tony Awards, hosted with good humor by Norbert Leo Butz and Beth Leavel, actually wound up being pretty entertaining, and never moreso than when Norbert said he wanted to put his Peter in Beth’s Starcatcher. Maybe this will become a bawdier, less stuffy cousin to the “real” show. And speaking of bawdy, it must be said that Norbert’s scruffy-chinned, erudite-professor look basically slays us. If Beth’s not up to this challenge, we’ll stand in.

Steve Kazee Wrecks our Hearts and Souls, as Expected
Steve Kazee — actor, singer, and giver of feelings. Kazoo won, you guys! From his statement that, “We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams,” to his blatant love for Cristin Milioti and the rest of the cast, to his tearful tribute to his mother, who died recently after a battle with cancer, we were charmed and moved to tears.

James Corden Can Do So Much More than Make Us Laugh
Sure, we knew he was funny. But when he won the Best Leading Actor in a Play Tony, we fell in love with him for a whole other reason. He dedicated his performance to his girlfriend and “baby mama,” Julia Carey, and said of her: “I would not be holding this if it wasn’t for her. She made me say ‘us’ instead of ‘I’ and ‘we’ instead of ‘me’ and I love her.” Did we mention we have a weakness for guys who can make us laugh and cry?

The McDonald/Swenson Clan of Cuteness
It takes some work to upstage Audra McDonald. Or maybe just a cute smile, depending on who that smile belongs to. Audra’s fifth Tony win, for Porgy and Bess, was a lovely moment — particularly when the cameras panned to the audience to fiance Will Swenson, his kids, and Audra’s daughter Zoe, who beamed. Having your illustrious, Tony-winning mom declare on national TV that your birthday was the biggest moment in her life? Oh you know… typical day, if your mom is Audra McDonald.

Wait, what’s happening today again? Oh yeah, it’s only the MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF THE YEAR, otherwise known as Fangirl Christmas, otherwise known as the thing we write about on the other 364 days of the year, implicitly or explicitly. It’s the Tony Awards, bro. This is what we’re saying about it. Right now. No, really. Right now.

[liveblog]

We. Are. Going. Really.

It’s National Tony Day, kids, and we’re covering the Tonys for our friends at BroadwayStars! And The Craptacular is live and on the scene as events unfold. Follow us here, on Twitter, and on Flickr (look to the right for a preview…) as we document theater’s biggest night of the year. Starting at 5:30 pm, we’ll be live on the carpet at the Beacon Theatre, and we’ll be liveblogging the ceremony. And of course, you can always follow our posts on BroadwayStars.

For all the bestest coverage, you should also follow the Craptacular team on Twitter:

• Dave (@ninedaves): live from the Tonys rehearsal, and live-tweeting the telecast
• Linda and Sophie (@pataphysicalsci, @sophg6): live-tweeting the telecast

Enjoy the night! We’ll be staying up late and hope you will, too.

A drinking game to play during the Tonys? Please. That’s child’s play. You make yours up on the fly, like a boss.

We hear you. But here at The Craptacular we thought it would be a damn shame to let the biggest day of the theater season go by without finding some way to honor and celebrate it with alcohol. Developing a custom Tonys cocktail seemed like a pain, and you’d need to buy supplies which is… inconvenient to say the least.

So we decided to focus on some alcoholic entertainment that only requires things you already have in your house. And that wouldn’t distract you from your Tonys viewing time—God forbid you miss even a second of that Hairspray of the Seas performance, am I right?!

Which led us to the Pre-Game. So you can start drinking in theatrical style early and be sure you’re good and liquored up in time to be your wittiest on Twitter when The Event finally begins. So, without further ado…

Welcome to The Tonys Cup, Drinking Pre-Game, 2012 Edition.

(Yes, you guessed correctly, this is a take on Kings Cup, the drinking game of your sordid college past. Bottoms up!)

(Also, you should only play this if you’re over the legal drinking age and prepared to be responsible for your actions and all that jazz.)

The supplies:

• 2 or more players, with the wine/beer/cocktail/Bartles & James of their choosing.
• 1 deck of cards
• 1 empty drinking glass
• A table or flat surface to play on

The set-up:

1 – Place the empty drinking glass in the middle of the table/playing surface—this is now the Tonys Cup.

2 – Take the deck of cards and arrange all the cards, face down, in a circle around the Tonys Cup.

3 – Gather your friends, each with whatever drink/cocktail their little heart desires, and sit in a circle around the game setup.

The game:

1 – Select someone—perhaps the person to the left of the dealer—to start. They draw any card they’d like from any part of the circle.

2 – The player must then follow the instructions associated with the card they’ve drawn. After they’ve completed their task, they keep their card (it is not returned to the circle of cards).

3 – Play continues around the circle, each player drawing a single card and following the instructions associated with that card.

4 – Game ends either when the Tonys Cup has been consumed, or when all the cards have been drawn, whichever comes first.

5 – Feel free to rinse and repeat, at least until show time.

The rules:

Steve. Mr. Kazee. Kazoozle.

It’s been a year, hasn’t it? Personal heartbreak. Professional highs.  You’ve handled it all with grace and shared it with us with refreshing candor. And as this season draws to a close—only the big dance left, now—we wanted to be sure you had at least one more award to remember it by. The Tony of My Heart.

It doesn’t have a spinning disk at the top, or anything like that. And this is about to get wicked sappy, but… it comes with a lot of, well, heart. It rewards a season of absolutely, gut-wrenchingly gorgeous performances in Once. But it’s about more than that, too. It’s for the way you wear our favorite pair of jeans on the Broadway stage. And the way you got so choked up you could barely get through your curtain speech on opening night.  It’s for your fierce Twitter defense of the defenseless, and your sweet, genuine Guitar Hero episodes, and the way you’ve shared your heartbreak with us all. It’s for your mother. And the way she dared you to dream.

Good luck on Sunday. Don’t make us cry too hard if you get to give that acceptance speech.

We all know why you tune into awards shows: It’s for the moving acceptance speeches!

Lies. It’s for the DRESSES. When it comes to insane glamour and outrageous fashionality, the Oscars and the Golden Globes have historically trounced their more blue-collar cousin, the Tonys. But in recent years, the ladies of Broadway have brought it on Tony night. And sometimes, they’ve accidentally dropped it down the toilet.

Here are some dresses from recent years that we loved. And some that… we loved to make fun of.

The Loved

Laura Benanti (’08)

If Laura Benanti’s shoulder could talk, it would say, “I am swooning in ecstacy to be lovingly cradled within the asymmetrical, crimson confines of this lavishly beaded dress.”

Lea Michele (’10)

Beautiful bodice, sick color, amazing train. And for the men in the audience, the promise that if Ms. Michele stands up straight, there will be nipples.

Katie Holmes (’10)

Katie Holmes likely doesn’t know what day it is, but her styling team has always known what’s what. Behold this perfection, from 2010.

Patina Miller (’11)

Patina went with backless, 100% spangled, rococo-pseudo-snake-print and we’re seething with jealousy. Mostly over her actual back, though.

Scarlett Johansson (’10)

Leading with her breast best assets and spangling them with sequins. Fine, ScarJo. You win. You always do.

Jenn Damiano (’11)

Jenn is an understated, sparkly, golden ballerina. Absolutely timeless. Now quick, show her leaping into Reeve Carney’s arms!

Sara Ramirez (’05)

When Sara Ramirez won in 2005, the story wasn’t really about the dress, but about the girl inside it. Whoever tailored it to fit Sara the way it does — that person deserves a Tony, too.

Idina Menzel (’04)

The perfect dress? Maybe. The perfect color to offset Indina’s dark locks and fair skin? Absolutely. And you knew she wasn’t going to turn up in green.

The… Unloved

Sutton Foster (’11)

Sutton is ferocious and magical, and this dress is still the color of poop.

Kristin Chenoweth (’10)

That’s not a dress, Kristin. It’s a bedazzled piece of Scotch tape.

Frances McDormand (’11)

You know, Frances. No one forces you to do these things.

Aretha Franklin (’10)

Aretha is a legend. This dress… came with a porcupine.

Whoopi Goldberg (’11)

I mean…

When Audra McDonald won her Drama Desk Award for Porgy and Bess on June 4, she thanked her costars, and spoke of what an honor it was to fall in love with Norm Lewis eight times a week — and be raped by Phillip Boykin. WHICH SOUNDS CRAZY. But.

If you’ve seen Porgy and Bess, and you’ve witnessed the performance being given by Phillip Boykin as the mostly-evil Crown, you kinda get it. As the third corner of the show’s central love triangle — it is occasionally a hate triangle — Boykin provokes an incredible reaction. On the night I saw the show, and undoubtedly on others, Boykin was booed during the curtain call. Booed. My first thought? Hand that man a Tony Award like, right now.

Boykin has played this role many times in his varied career, which includes opera gigs in New York and around the world. His Crown is a seething knot of jealousy and anger, as relentless as the hurricane that wreaks so much havoc on the show’s characters. Even with Audra McDonald standing a few feet across the stage, Boykin leaves a stunning impression. No small feat, that. For it, he wins the Tony of our hearts. And we wouldn’t mind seeing him stand up to take the real Tony, either.

In the race to win the Tony of My Heart, there are several ways a competitor can distinguish himself. First there’s his performance, obvi, which had better be good. But then there are things like being disgustingly handsome, or singing like an angel, or just plain being real nice. Those things can help push you over the finish line, which is totes the case with nominee Josh Young, who knocked it out of the park on all fronts this year.

First, there’s the lucky fact of his beautiful face—homeboy looks like he just tumbled out of an animated princess movie and landed on stage. (He was the handsome prince, natch.) Then there’s his pure and clear and beautiful singing voice—that of a baritone angel—which he can also twist into an impressive rock-tenor howl. And then, there’s the fact that Mr. Young was pretty damn awesome/chill/kind when we chatted.

And last but not least, there’s that performance he’s giving nightly in Jesus Christ Superstar. Young’s unique, understated Judas Iscariot simmers with rage and fear. It’s a performance so arresting that even a vocal-cord-threatening illness that took him out of commission for a few weeks couldn’t cost the man a Tony Nom for his Broadway debut.

The competition is stiff, as usual, but no matter what happens, Josh can head into the ceremony knowing he’s already won at least one important award—the Tony of My Heart.

Credit: Jenny Anderson

So The Last Five Years is happening. I mean, you may have heard. Your Twitter feed may have spent the last week dream-casting and re-dream-casting, and re-dream-casting yet again.

We thought it might be nice to help you out, as you work through the process of deciding on your own personal fantasy world Last Five Years, so we created a bit of a cheat sheet.

This works just like those games you played in Highlights Magazine at the dentist’s office when you were six. You remember, right? We included a sample (above) just in case your childhood was awful, but we’re pretty sure you can handle it: just draw a line between your favorite guy and favorite girl. Or your six favorite guys and girls. Or all of them.

So have at it, kids! Also, you are welcome.

(click on the image below to download the enormous printable version)