the craptacular

Whatever man, King Lear is a bullshit play and seeing even good productions of it makes me think that maybe Shakespeare was a hack/want to tweet some incendiary shit about how Shakespeare is the worst, and I’ve been creepily referring to Willy Shakes as my ‘husband’ since I was a teenager (yes, I was that weird of a kid in high school). So. I get it, Ira Glass.

Because like, here’s the thing. Lear makes me feel like… Oh my god, why the fuck did you just make that totally bad decision, and how do you not know your stupid children better because you raised them, and even if you didn’t, you’re a freaking king, how have you not learned more about humanity by now, so fuck you for being stupid and also why have I been in this theater for six thousand hours and seriously you brought this shit on yourself, so I have no sympathy for you, and OH MY GOD WHY ARE WE STILL SITTING IN THIS THEATER I THINK I AM GOING TO DIE HERE.

To put that more intelligently: Lear is the play where I feel as if Shakespeare’s hand is intrusive. Where you can feel him, as the writer, pulling strings in such a way that it makes the characters feel inauthentic. Not just vapid assholes (because hey, most of them ARE vapid assholes, and I get it, that’s the point) but like… behaving as fronts for the Ideas and Machinations of a playwright with Something To Say, and not like real human beings.

And I get it. Lear isn’t really for or about me, so that’s probably part of my relationship to the material. But like. If this play is about an Aging Wealthy White Man Grappling With Losing His Mind and Maybe His Legacy… then basically isn’t it like, perfect for Ira Glass? Like. Isn’t Ira Glass a Future Aging White Man Worried About Losing His Mind and How to Preserve His Legacy? And if Ira can’t really get there, then maybe isn’t it possible that there are some problems here with the material?

Because honestly, even just thinking about seeing Lear again makes me tired. I get annoyed when good people are cast in it because then I feel like I have to see it even though I know it’s going to make me miserable. Make me forget that Shakespeare is not only one of the most important writers in the history of the English language, but one of my personal favorites, whose work continues to enlighten me as I grow older, whose work continues to show new layers and colors as my life grows and changes and reveals them to me.

So like. I’m sorry you had a kind of shitty night of Shakespeare, Ira. Shitty enough that it made you start to wonder if all of Shakespeare doesn’t kind of suck the same way. I’m sure you didn’t mean to piss off the entire Shakespeare-loving world. I just wanted to say like… I Stand With You. Because Lear is bullshit and that’s an okay way to feel. Even if everyone else says it’s bad.

I keep wanting to make Challah jokes. Because this is Broadway. But honestly, that’s totally unfair to Holler If Ya Hear Me. Which is so not like anything you’ve ever seen on Broadway. Even when it’s being exactly like everything you’ve ever seen on Broadway. Which is weird, I know. And maybe hard to picture? But it’s true.

Because in some ways, Holler is a pretty standard addition to the Broadway Jukebox Musical canon. Someone, somewhere — okay, his name is Todd Kreidler — wrote a wholly original book that patched together Tupcac’s greatest hits into the story of a handful of young men growing up on the wrong side of town in sort-of modern America. But then, this is a Tupac Jukebox. And nothing about Tupac is terribly standard-fare for the Broadway stage, from the stories he illuminates to the language he uses to communicate them.

So yeah. There are flashy lights. And there’s choreography, a chorus of dancers, people even sing.

But then. There’s the word ‘pussy,’ dropping from someone’s mouth, right there on the Broadway stage. And that’s not like… common in musicals, you know?

Maybe it’s strange, but I was super happy to hear that word. Like. I bounced up and down in my seat a little bit. I was even kind of stoked to hear the n-word. Even though it’s controversial — maybe because it’s controversial — even though it’s a word that this privileged white girl cannot, and would not, ever say out loud.

Because it’s a word that lots of people on this planet use, as a very valid part of their every day dialogue, as a way of co-opting a word that had such negative (nay, degrading) associations, and empowering themselves through it’s use. Or trying to.

And if Holler is about anything, it’s about how difficult it is to empower yourself and escape if you’re a young black man who grows up in the wrong neighborhood. About how easy it is to get sucked into black-on-black violence, an endless cycle that these men are repressed by, even as they are willing participants. Or unwilling participants.

And here’s the thing… as a jukebox musical, Holler is a mixed bag. It has moments of brilliance (“Thug’s Mansion” both fits the story, and really feels like a classic musical moment). And moments where the structure is stretched too thin to accommodate a hit song (So… is there a reason we’re singing “California Love” right now?). And moments of utter failure (like, half the book). On balance, the story is… confusing in places, under-edited almost throughout, and loaded with so many characters it’s hard to keep track. By the end of the show I still couldn’t remember who one of the supporting actors was supposed to be in relationship to everyone else. And it’s real hard to ignore the fact that the women in this show are little more than accessories for the menfolk.

But you know what? By the end of the show I also kind of gave no fucks about any of that. Which is unique. And important.

Usually when I see a bad show I get pretty jacked up about it. Just like… pissed off at the world for wasting my time, which I don’t have a whole lot of, and annoyed that producers and writers and just everyone cannot respect audiences more and present them with good, smart, tightly crafted material.

But after Holler? I didn’t feel that at all. I was mostly just kind of stoked for theater. For a future where more stories like this could be told on the Broadway stage. Would be told on the Broadway stage.

Because everyone should have an opportunity to see their stories told. And because the world is not just white, or upper-class, or upwardly-mobile and if Broadway is ever going to be relevant, it has to find new audiences and new ways to communicate with audiences. Things that are authentic to the experiences of people who did not grow up on Oklahoma!, or even Rock and Roll. Things that have played on the radio in the last fifty years.

Someday, I hope there will be more credible rap musicals, maybe even ones that are entirely original and not just culled from existing material. Someday I hope there are more stories about what it’s like growing up in this nation today, or twenty years ago, even. I hope some of them are told in musical styles that we haven’t already heard on stage a million times, styles that are authentic to the characters as opposed to the medium.

But for now, I’ll take Holler. Which was, by the end, pretty freaking gripping. And on balance, really worth the endeavor, ya hear me?

Photo: Sara Krulwich

So. After Sunday night, a new item has taken the top spot on my “Biggest Regrets of Life” list. And no, it’s not ‘Shouting “CHARLIE!” in Dule Hill’s Face While I Ran to The Bathroom Drunk at 3:30 am.’ Though admittedly, that should probably be afforded a place somewhere on the list. It’s this: Not Asking Reeve Carney About Hanson When I Had the Chance.

You have to understand. Lucky and I are Hanson fans down to the core of our souls. That’s how we met. They’re still our favorite band. In some twisted way, Hanson is the reason this website exists. And we talk about them at any possible opportunity. In fact, once on a red carpet we asked no less than Tony and Pulitzer Prize winner Tracy Letts about Hanson — they’re both from Tulsa! — with exactly zero shame.

So for me to fail to ask Reeve about Hanson, while chit-chatting, drunk at 4am on the second floor of a swank suite in the Carlyle Hotel — when Hanson actually introduced me to Carney’s music well before he was even a twinkle in Julie Taymor’s eye… WHAT ON EARTH IS EVEN WRONG WITH ME?!

I mean, okay. My convo got interrupted by an unnamed Motown starlet who was chatting Reeve up hardcore. And girl was giving it such gusto that like, I couldn’t bring myself to interrupt her in return because like… I dunno. You do you, girl. Get it!

But yeah. At 4am, I was chatting with Gideon Glick, and then all of a sudden there was Reeve Carney, dressed like a punk vampire, and he was talking to me and the champagne was amazing and the hotel suite smelled beautiful and was just-barely-lit so we all looked amazing and I don’t even know what the fuck was going on with my life in that moment.

But to be completely honest, Tony Night is series of “OMG WTF” moments, just over and over and over. Because one second you’re in Bemelman’s Bar, hugging a friend who you haven’t seen in weeks, and then you turn around and Broadway’s Zachary Quinto and Smash‘s Joe Machota are just… right there, next to you. Or you’re at the bar in the Summer Garden at Rockefeller Center, catching up with another friend, and Andrew Andrew begin playing “MMMBop” and you race to the dance floor — because, hello, have we mentioned loving Hanson? — and Jesus Christ, there’s Tyne Daly, beside you, bopping along just the same as you are. Or, okay, maybe Tyne Daly is bopping along a little bit better than you are, because Tyne Daly is kind of just better at everything than you are.

And one of the things that makes the whole damn night so fun is that it feels like everyone is having the same kind of night. There’s no air of pretension — no one seems over it, or incapable of appreciating how rare and wonderful and bizarre it is that we’re in these rooms, doing these things. Everyone still seems to be a fan, on the inside. Of Broadway, of other actors, of omelets, of champagne, of 5am sunrises over Central Park.

Last year I ended up sitting on a bed beside Frank DiLella while Claybourne Elder introduced me to someone named David. David looked familiar but I couldn’t place him and Clay — bless him — told David I write a theater blog and we started chatting about this site and theater we loved and it was quite nice and like two hours later I would realize I’d been talking to David Cromer and like… that’s how these parties are. Just people talking to people about theater and what we love. You turn around and you’re talking to Lindsay Mendez about dresses. Or making silly faces with Colin Hanlon before he turns into a pumpkin. You turn around again and you’re telling Reeve Carney about when the party ends. Or embracing Andrew Keenan-Bolger and then singing “Seasons of Love” with the entire room at 5am while someone plays piano. Because we’re all fans on the inside.

Just in case the Tonys don’t have enough topless scenes.

Also, because we just figured out that the best thing about Australia is the beach. Definitely… the beach.

Hugh’s running.

Drowning? Cowlick? Hugh’s got you covered.

The case against waxing.

Hugh’s worried that he’s torn a hole in time and space with his shirtlessness.

Hugh’s shocked by his handsomeness in this photo.

Hugh’s running.

Ole, Hugh.

Hugh looking over there to the right.

Now Hugh’s looking left.

Hugh plus balls.

And now Hugh just has to lie down for a minute.

Sue avec 2013 Tony

By now, we’d like to think the whole entire planet knows that in The Theater, the characters aren’t just on stage. They’re everywhere. Because… duh, that’s what makes theater so fucking fun. So endlessly entertaining, on and off the boards.

Here at The Craptacular, one of our favorite characters, on or off-stage, is Sue Wagner, a producer in Parnes Office. Homegirl is young and smart and beautiful. She’s also funny, and sharp, and she has great taste. In theater, and in things that are more important than theater. Like parties. And dresses.

So with the Tonys approaching hard and fast, we clearly wanted to know all about how Sue is getting ready.

The answer? She’s getting mowed down by town-cars in front of her intern, and selecting dresses galore, and being superstitious as ever. Because with A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder up for all the prizes that have ever been prized, well… you gotta do what you gotta do to help.

But you don’t need to hear that from us, so we’re going to let Sue tell you all about it in her own words.

M: Can you tell us about your harrowing recent brush with death?
Sue Wagner: Honestly, isn’t it a rite of passage that every New Yorker eventually gets hit by a town car? I was lucky that although I did go flying thought the air I didn’t hit my head or break anything so I can still wear my killer high heels this Sunday! I can honestly say that as I was being struck by the car I was thinking — I hope I don’t break anything so I can wear those amazing Stuart Weitzmans!

M: Do you have a dress yet?
SW: Absolutely.

M: Who designed it?
SW: Bibhu Mohapatra — he’s incredible but I have no earthly idea how to pronounce his last name so if anyone asks on Tony Night I’ll just pretend we’re on a first name basis.

M: How’d you pick it?
SW: I always go shopping with by BFF who is a good barometer for making sure I don’t look like a tramp on the red carpet. Truly, had she not been there I would have never even considered trying the dress on because it’s a little outside of the box.

M: Does it have thematic resonance with your show?
SW: Yes, I’m a little (a lot) superstitious about things and I always try to wear the color of the show as I’m convinced it’s good luck. The dress’ print (yes, I said print) is mainly Gentleman’s Guide orange. I’ve actually made sure to wear Gentleman’s Guide orange through the entire awards season.

M: What’s more stressful, picking a wedding dress or picking a Tonys dress?
SW: Hands down a Tony Dress. There was only one photographer at my wedding. Plus, I was a child bride so I really didn’t know anything about fashion yet.

M: What about accessories?
SW: Jewels by Verdura. Not only do they have the fanciest baubles in town, and a killer Fifth Avenue showroom with Central Park views, but they also have an amazing history with the theater community. Cole Porter helped front the money to open their first boutique exactly 75 years ago. I had to sign away my life to borrow a vintage 1920s bracelet and a pair of giant crystal earrings, so if I lose anything you may never hear from me again.

M: In one sentence, what the heck does a producer actually do every day?
SW: It’s mainly convincing every single person working on the show that everything is going to be okay — even when your’e 100% sure there is no way everything is going to be okay. That, and answering a lot of emails.

***My alternate answer is, “Ask my mother-in-law — she asks me every single year, ‘what is it you DO again?'”

M: In one sentence, what the heck does a producer do during Tony season?
SW: Practices mind reading, smiles and pops a Xanax.

M: How many dresses did you try on before you decided on the one?
SW: Half a dozen.

M: Actually, how many dresses did you need this season just in general? We know there’s lots going on that not everyone sees.
SW: Well, after consulting my lists — yes, there are so many things to go on during awards season I make a list of each event and write down what to wear to each. (Control freak anyone?!) It was a dozen dresses plus the Tony gown.

M: What’s your morning/afternoon like on Tony Day?
SW: My husband wakes up, rolls out of bed and pulls me off the ledge. Then I head to Radio City at the crack of dawn for the Tony dress rehearsal, followed by hair, nails, makeup, champagne and the dress which I will be completely unsure about most of the night.

M: Do you have any fun pics of your outfit you can share?
SW: Never before Tony Night! Also, if I send you the photo of the dress on the size negative zero runway model you’ll be disappointed when you see me in it.

M: Can we have your closet?
SW: No. That is willed to my nieces to fight over. Pity only one of them shares my shoe size.

You guys know that there are a bunch of organized Tony Awards viewing parties in New York City this weekend. The ceremony is being broadcast in Times Square. 54 Below is doing a thing. But there are also scads of private parties thrown by industry folks at all levels who (GASP!) aren’t actually going to the awards. Because guess what? Not all industry folks in New York City go to the awards. Amazing, right?

Our favorite annual house party is thrown by Steve Tate, who heads up the marketing department at the Atlantic Theater, and his girlfriend Sara Jayne Blackmore, who’s an actress. They live on the Upper West Side in an apartment that was featured in the New York Times, which is clearly amazing. We chatted with Steve over drinks about what makes an amazing Tony party, and what he’s planning for this year.

Lucky: Why a Tonys party?

Steve Tate: It’s the seventh year doing it. I’ve been to the Tonys a few times – the last time was when I was working on the Spring Awakening account at Situation Marketing. And going to the Tonys is totally different than watching the Tonys. Going is very much more formal. You can’t make any little side remarks.

L: Basically, you have to behave.

ST: Exactly. And I just wanted to pull together some people what we know, that work in the industry and love getting together. And the environment is not the same as an official party. It’s totally unbiased. It started out as six or seven people, and it’s grown over the years.

L: What are you doing for prep?

ST: Today I ordered 100 balloons. I called around and priced things out. Balloons are not cheap. And oddly enough, people don’t eat that much food during the Tonys.

L: Really? What, they just want to drink?

ST: Yeah, it’s all about the alcohol. I’m making a punch so I don’t have to mix cocktails.

L: Any theme to go along with the shows?

ST: No, I don’t geek out that way.

L: What single element really makes a great party?

ST: The people. If it’s all actors, they can get kind of catty because they’re not onstage. And theater is collaborative, so you have to have a variety of people at your party. Actors, directors, marketing people, writers. They all come in with a different perspective. And when categories come up that some people don’t care about – Best Book of a Musical, for example. Well, the writer at the party cares about the book. So when that award come up, he tells everyone to shut up. It’s good. And also booze. Gotta have booze.

L: So who’s coming?

ST: It’s all up-and-coming people. But the coolest thing is when people you don’t know show up. I met my girlfriend because of this Tony party. A couple of years ago, my friend brought a friend to the party who was like, “Are you single and straight? I have a girlfriend for you. And also, here’s my play. Would you read my play?” So from that one introduction, I got a play that I optioned, and I also got a girlfriend.

L: Has there every been something on the Tonys that was a game-changer for your party?

ST: When Alice Ripley won for Next to Normal and she gave the crazy speech, people in the room were like, ‘What?’ And in 2007 when In the Heights performed, there were some people at the party who were working on the show, and they did that medley. After that, people were on their feet. Because the energy of that moment was great.

photo: Steve Tate

Going to a Tonys party — or throwing your own? Tell us about it in the comments section.

The end of a very long story is this: I did not see Hedwig and the Angry Inch in the late 90s or early ‘aughts. Despite ample opportunity, and friends urging me to do so, I opted out of the whole thing. Even the movie. My reason was stupid and not worth getting into and totally, typically, annoyingly me.

For years and years I meant to fix that mistake. But with so much new out there — new theater, new movies, new books, new friends — I just never got around to it. Then the rumors started. Hedwig was going to make its way to Broadway. That’s when I got this totally tantalizing idea in my head: I could see this show on stage for the first time, totally pure. With no knowledge of what happens, of how it starts or where it goes or how it ends.

This is an idea that I’m kind of obsessed with — not just with Hedwig, but more generally, conceptually. Perhaps especially because in 2014, it feels increasingly rare: the opportunity to see a musical I know almost nothing about. To experience it the way I used to experience theater as a kid, when it was all new, each show unfolding before me with nothing but the power of its own storytelling to take me on the journey.

Because the internet exists, because I cover Broadway theater on this website in my spare time, because we keep turning movies into musicals, because I am no longer nine, I basically never go into a show with no concept of what’s about to unfold anymore. It’s basically impossible.

And I suppose it’s unfair to say I had NO concept of Hedwig. Any obsessed Hanson fan worth her salt has watched the YouTube video of Hanson-adjacent singer-songwriter Ben Jelen performing “Wicked Little Town” at The Knitting Factory in 2008 (Lucky was actually there that night!). Last year Norbert Leo Butz sang “Wig in a Box” in his cabaret Girls, Girls, Girls. Just a few weeks ago I heard Matt Doyle and Katie Gassert sing “Origin of Love” at Matt Murphy and Ryan Scott Oliver’s wedding. But somehow, improbable though it may be, I didn’t know much more.

In fact, I made it into the Belasco last week knowing only this:

1. It stars someone named Hedwig, who is either in drag or transgender, though I was leaning toward transgender.
2. It features someone named Yitzak, who is a man, but who is played by a female actress.
3. There is a song called “Wig in a Box,” and a song called “Origin of Love” and a song called “Wicked Little Town.”

That’s it. That’s all I had going in. That, and the knowledge that some of the people whose taste I trust most in this world absolutely adored this show. Lucky, for example. Hedwig is her favorite musical. This all seemed like great news. I was so excited. I’d spent the past few years working really hard at not getting spoiled, and I’d succeeded, and I was going to see this show with fresh eyes, and no baggage, and Hedwig was going to tell me its own story. In its own words. In its own style. All by itself.

I maybe regret this now.

I mean. Hindsight is 20/20 and yadda yadda yadda. But… wow. Wow, did I have an unenjoyable experience at Hedwig.

I spent the last 10 minutes of the show confused out of my mind. And not like… in this awesome, omg, this show is so cool and it’s not forcing a strict interpretation on me and I totally get to make up my own mind about what just happened on that stage. But in a very literal way, in a like… I actually do not know what just happened and none of the ideas I can come up with based upon the story I just saw and the set of facts it presented me make even the remotest bit of sense or even seem possible.

I’ve felt confused by the way shows have ended before. I didn’t even realize Memphis was ending until I noticed all the actors were suddenly in in matching costumes, and thus, I was witnessing the final number. There was a song about Bananas in Bullets Over Broadway that I definitely do not understand, but I do know it was definitely the end of that musical. And shit, more than a year later I still have NO IDEA how The Bodyguard ended, and I’ve even talked to someone involved with the production team (they changed the ending from the movie, y’all).

But what those shows have in common is this: I hated them. And I walked out of the theater knowing — incontrovertibly — that they were not pieces I thought of as high quality, intelligent, thoughtful, well-crafted theater. They were pander-y, or schlock or even just plain bad. They were not my shows.

Leaving the Belasco after Hedwig, I did not feel that way. I did not think: that is an inherently bad show. Instead I felt… deeply disappointed. And utterly confused. I emerged onto 43rd street feeling stupid and lost, and wondering how on earth I had missed what was going on. Thinking something must have been wrong with me because I couldn’t follow the story.

I don’t normally react that way to musicals. Plays? Yes, sometimes. With plays I sometimes think I just must have missed some genius allusion that would have unlocked the whole rest of the show for me. That I’m just not smart enough and it’s my fault I didn’t enjoy it.

But musicals… I feel pretty confident when I experience musicals that I’ve understood what’s going on. And that my enjoyment, or lack thereof, is what it is. Not the result of some personal failing, but the result of the show itself.

In that way, Hedwig was a stand-out. But here’s the other remarkable thing about Hedwig: the more I thought about it, and talked about it with friends, and listened to the cast recording (because I did immediately love the songs)… the more I began to fall in love with it. To see the end of the show as a flexible bit of magic that was meant to allow me to make up my own mind, that could and should be interpreted in multiple ways. As something that was not literal.

I began to see the layers — the Platonic allegory, the history of rock and punk, the cold war parable, the unpacking of gender and identity and freedom — that had been totally obscured by my very concrete confusion at the end of the show.

And I began to realize that my problem was not with the show itself, really. But with the particular production I’d just seen. One that made a handful of very literal choices that pulled me completely away from the emotional thrust of the material. I became so wrapped up in untangling the facts of who Tommy and Hedwig were — one person? two? — that I couldn’t see the bigger stories being told.

And if I’d gone into Hedwig with even a basic understanding of what was about to unfold, even a basic understanding that Tommy and Hedwig were definitely two different people at the outset, then maybe I would actually have loved the show right off the bat. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so confused by that newspaper cover with two pictures of the same person — because both were so clearly Neil Patrick Harris — in different outfits. (Is Tommy cross-dressing as Hedwig and he was mug-shotted in and out of drag? Does Hedwig actually have an alter-ego named Tommy?) Maybe without that confusion stopping me in my tracks and pulling me fully out of the narrative so early in the show, and then again, later, during the final scenes, I would have been better able to follow the Platonic allegory or the cold war parable or or or or.

And I don’t know. Maybe a show shouldn’t require me to have background to understand what’s going on. And maybe that is entirely the material’s fault, and not the fault of a production that made some choices — glaring timeline issues, two pics of NPH on that newspaper cover — that fucked with my ability to suspend disbelief. Or maybe it IS the production’s fault, because how can you fuck with my ability to suspend disbelief in the theater? ESPECIALLY with a show that has such a theatrical ending?

But maybe the idea of seeing a show totally “pure” is bollocks anyway. Because even if we don’t know the story we’re about to be told, we all enter the theater with expectations in tow. And those are things we can never, ever escape.

Photo: Joan Marcus

Last night some of theater’s most elite were given some of theater’s most elite fictional awards. As tradition dictates, these awards are voted on by a committee of two, and doled out in a lavish, imaginary ceremony hosted at The Pierre that lasted approximately 5 minutes. There were lots of dick jokes, handsome men, and beautiful dresses.  And lots of gin at the after-party.

We’re really sorry you weren’t there to watch us make fools of ourselves over multi-hyphenate, multi-award-winner writer-director-general-hot-person Alex Timbers. Or beg Kelli O’Hara for tips on how to give our hair the perfect, glossy shine and bodacious waves. Maybe next year.

For now, at least, you can scope the list of winners.

Best Magic Trick Stolen From Another Show That’s Been Open For The Last 25 Years
The Magic Phantom Chair, Aladdin

Best Newly Elected Baricade Boy Hottie/Member of History’s First Boyband
Jason Forbach, Feuilly, Les Miserables

Best Rack on Broadway and Maybe of Ever
Kelli O’Hara, The Bridges of Madison County

Best Performance by Ankles in a Musical
The Ones Attached to Neil Patrick Harris, Hedwig and The Angry Inch 

Best Attempt at Disguising Real Tattoos with Fake Tattoos
Andy Karl, Rocky: Das Musical

Best Crazy Interview with a Tony Nominee About How It’s Hotter to Have Sex with her Husband Now That He’s All Jacked Up for His Tony Nominated Role
Orfeh

Best/Most Shaggable Javert Ever
Will Swenson

Best Singing While Dying by a Canadian on Broadway
Tie – Ramin Karimloo & Caissie Levy, Les Miserables
First Runner Up: Nick Cordero, Bullets Over Broadway

Best Hair That’s Not on Alex Timbers’ Head
Steven Pasquale, The Bridges of Madison County

Best Use of A Vowel on Broadway
The “Aaaaaaa’s,” Steven Pasquale, The Bridges of Madison County

Best Gratuitous Acapella Singing in a Place Where It’s Probably Not Necesssary
Steven Pasquale, The Bridges of Madison County

Best Shirtless Chest on Broadway
Steven Pasquale, The Bridges of Madison County

Best Barefoot Performance
Steven Pasquale, The Bridges of Madison County

Best Distracting eCigarette in a Broadway Show
The One Smoked by Amber Iman, Soul Doctor

Best Direction that Has Literally Ever Graced the Great White Way and What the Fuck Why Are We Giving You Awards Because Shouldn’t You Be Getting Actual Tonys?
Alex Timbers, Rocky: Das Musical

Best Rent Sequel
If/Then

Best Playbill
The Hurt Locker, the Musical

Best Bewitching Eyebrows
Bryce Pinkham, A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder

Best Norbert Leo Butz Impersonation That’s Not Supposed to be a Norbert Leo Butz Impersonation on Broadway
Michael C Hall, The Realistic Joneses

Best Entrance Applause for a Set and Not an Actor
The Sides of Beef, Rocky: Das Musical

Best Portrayal of a Rock Star by Someone Who Looks Nothing Like Said Rock Star
Jessie Mueller as Carole King, Beautiful

Best Oversimplification of A Rock Star’s Tragic, Life-Ending Addiction
That Single Bottle of Jim Beam that Mary Bridget Davies Takes a Few Swigs From, A Night with Janis Joplin

Best Performance by Andrew Kober Playing Andrew Kober in Various Roles in a Musical
Andrew Kober, Les Miserables, The Foreman, Innkeeper, Babet, u/s Bamatabois

Best Threesome That Never Happens Except You Spend Basically The Entire Show Kind of Wishing That It Would
Colin Donnell, Sutton Foster & Joshua Henry, Violet

Best Biceps in a Musical
Tie: Colin Donnell, Violet & Andy Karl, Rocky: Das Musical

Best Cherry Red Christmas Dress Worn by an Adorable Actress With Bangs in a Musical
The Cherry Red Christmas Dress on Margot Siebert, Rocky: Das Musical

Best Performance by a Woman Playing a Man Playing a Woman
Lena Hall, Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Best Performance by a Man Playing a Woman Playing a Man
Samuel Barnett, Twelfth Night

Best Reuse of A Car Hanging from the Ceiling in a Musical Directed by Michael Mayer
Michael Mayer, Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Best Book of a Musical by a Man Who Makes Us Wish We Were Gay Men So We Could Maybe Marry Him
Hedwig and the Angry Inch, John Cameron Mitchell

Best Composer Who We Totally Want to Shag
Stephen Trask, Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Best Performance by Teeth in a Broadway Actor’s Mouth
Adam Jacobs, Aladdin

Best Portrayal of a Rock Group That’s Wildly Different Than the Last Portrayal of the Same Rock Group in a Broadway show Two Seasons Ago
Alysha Delsorieux, Ashley Blanchet, Carly Hughes, and Rashidra Scott as The Shirelles in Beautiful

Best Chest That Remains Mostly Disappointingly Clothed in a Broadway Show
Wallace Smith, Rocky

Best Decision to Omit Neil Diamond as a Character in a Broadway Show
Beautiful

Best Second Floor of a Set of a Musical Directed by Michael Greif This Season
If/Then

Best Attempt at Making Totally Suspect Cultural References and Appropriation Like, Totally Not a Problem, Dude
Aladdin

Best Stage Within a Stage Within a Stage
A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder

Best Period Costumes That We Kind of Want to Wear This Weekend
A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder

Best Performance by Derek Klena in a Musical
Derek Klena, The Bridges of Madison County

Best Reuse of Music from Riverdance
The Cripple of Inishmaan

Hey cutie,

Playing a real person in a Broadway musical is hard. You have to do somewhat contradictory things — convince an audience that you really are this person, but also make the role your own, and steer clear of cartoony caricature and that dreaded word… “impression.”

You succeed without a lot of fuss, and we’re eternally grateful for that. Fuss is a killer on Broadway, and we’re sure it was tempting to fuss, given your show’s dogged emphasis on your character’s hypochondria. Instead, we’re able to see beyond Barry Mann’s quirks to his songwriterly soul — and to his devotion to his pretty partner, Cynthia Weil. And let’s be real. Your performance of “We Gotta Get Out of This Place” kinda stole the show there for a minute – no small feat when you’re competing for stage time with better-known legends of rock.

Jarrod, your performance in Beautiful wins the Tony of our hearts. And you, personally, win our hearts, period – Tony nomination or no – because you’re sexy and you can rock some vintage flat-front khakis like no one else on a Broadway stage this season. Not that we were looking…

photo: Broadway.com