What’s the most terrifying thing you can even imagine happening on Christmas Day? That bone dry tree in the living room bursting into flames? Your mother telling everyone at the table the exact time and place in which you were conceived? (You’ll never be able to look at the old armchair in the living room again!)
Personally, I don’t even have to imagine a most terrifying thing, because it is real. It is real and it happens every single year, without fail—the moment my parents bust out their perennial fave: “Michael Crawford: A Christmas Album.” Or, as I like to call it, “The Phantom of the Christmas Album.”
No, but really. There is basically nothing on this earth I find more disturbing than hearing “Mary Did You Know?” as sung by that murderous psychopath, The Phantom of the Opera. And it happens every Christmas. Chills run up my spine.
If you haven’t heard this album, I encourage you to avoid it at all costs. Sorry, Mr. Crawford. I mean no disrespect to you or your very important role in the history of theater. I’m just saying you sound like the Phantom of the Opera every time you open your mouth and sing. And while that’s awesome on “Music of the Night” and hilarious on “The Colors of the Wind” it is wildly less awesome and not at all hilarious on “Angels We Have Heard on High.” It’s just upsetting.
Merry Christmas, though, OG. Merry Christmas to our Dear Readers, too. May it be joyful and bright. And full of Christmas songs sung by anyone other than The Phantom of the Opera.