≡ Menu

The 11 Worst Broadway Valentines Ever

Aw, it’s Valentine’s Day! And here are some people you would never, ever want bringing you candy and flowers — on this day or any other. Because they’d probably poison them.

So, you might be thinking… Gee, I’m sorry I don’t have a Valentine this year. But we’re here to remind how you grateful you should be that you’re not stuck with Company’s resident cad, Bobby. It’s exhausting just to think about how much ego stroking you’d have to do to keep this  inner manchild/commitmentphobe happy. Who has the time for that kind of shit? Especially when he’s only ever going to want to marry you a little. Yeah, we said it!

The Phantom

Look. Parts of his brain are showing on the outside of his skull. And his wig is real bad. REAL BAD. And then, even if you can get past all those superficial things, this pyscho-freak spends his free time building life-sized doll replicas of you, which is only sweet until he’s “killing” them in front of you. Or trying to murder your very handsome, very rich boyfriend. All in all, it’s best to just steer clear of this guy.

Sex, drugs and rock and roll seemed like a great idea. In the 70s. (Okay, and also in the 80s.) But welcome to 2012. Sex and rock and roll remain awesome. But drugs? Who thinks that’s a viable lifestyle choice anymore? And who needs a tripping boyfriend waving a knife in their face? Certainly not us. Now… if he could clean up, get a job, and ditch that chipped nail-polish, well, maybe you can make some room for his sensitive punk soul. But until then, riding solo is probably a better option.

Billy Bigelow
Everything seems all well and good when he’s taking you for a spin on the Ferris Wheel or Carousel or whatever. And Billy B. looks super cute in a neckerchief, which is appealing. Honestly, we understand. But let’s be real here — he’s emotionally constipated. And not incidentally, this is a man who thinks a it’s a good idea to express his love through his fists. Which is just never okay. Never. Not even if he says he loves you. Not even in a musical.

The Magical Mr. Mistofelees
Oh well, never was there ever a cat more annoying than magical Mister Mistofelees. At least, on the spectrum of cat personalities, Grizabella had soul and the Rum Tum Tugger was a rockstar. Mistofelees on the other hand – the puckish “magician” cat – will spend all his time stealing your shit, bouncing off the walls like he’s snorting Ritalin twice an hour, and competing with you for the spotlight. If you’re looking for a less hyper alternative, we hear Munkustrap is single. Rawr.

Elder PriceGuess who you’re not fornicating with this Valentine’s Day? This guy! If you want a piece of that sunshiny action, he’s going to have to put a ring on it first. On the bright side, guess where you’re going on your honeymoon!

FoscaA good rule of thumb: The next time Fosca mysteriously turns up in your bedroom at a weird hour of the night, explaining that she just “forgot something” last time she was over, you might want to consider getting a restraining order. And a really, really good shrink.

Simpering, a little dull, and without a single decent song, Boq is the least eligible bachelor in Oz. Hell, Galinda can’t even remember his name. With the man market in that town so dreadfully narrow, no wonder a stuck-up playboy like Fiyero got so much action.

Velma Kelly
What’s not to love about Velma, besides the fact that she’s a narcissist, a murderer, and a pathological liar who spends most of her day in leotards? If you do brave a date with her, we recommend bringing along a really thoughtful gift and a concealed weapon. Then she’ll decide whether you’re the one who will write to her in prison, or if you’re the John Doe that will finally land her there.

Guido Contini
Handsome dude, right? He’s European. He’s creative. Except that he’s an utter headcase when it comes to women – and really just a headcase in general. If you’re in the mood for a fling, Guido might not be a bad choice. Our advice for self-preservation, Italian-style? Don’t marry him, steer clear of his mommy issues, and don’t let him blame you – or Freud – when things inevitably go south in the second act.

Melchior Gabor
Melchior seems like a good catch on the surface – nice hair, inquisitive mind. But there are a couple of things he doesn’t know anything about, like how to use a condom, for example. Before he pressures you into sex you only sort of want to have, beats you with a switch, and knocks you up, let’s all have coffee sometime. You won’t believe what happened to his ex…

Further Reading: 10 Hot (Fictional) Dudes in Musicals

{ 1 comment… add one }

  • Lindsay February 18, 2012, 12:00 am

    hahaha love this! I’d rather be single than dating a real-life version of one of these characters.

Leave a Comment