The 2011 Craptacular Fauxny Awards

So, we wanted to alert you to the fact that some very important theater awards were given out recently. Yeah, the Tonys are Sunday and that’s fun. But these awards have better categories, better looking nominees, and the ceremony only lasts a grand total of 25 seconds. The voting and nominating committees consist of only two people, which cuts down on red tape and disagreements. And everyone, in every show ever staged, is simultaneously eligible for every award, which is just convenient, although this season’s shows made a remarkably strong showing, it’s true. Ladies and gentleman, we give you the first ever, potentially annual…

THE 2011 CRAPTACULAR FAUXNY AWARDS*

*Also convenient: Each category, unless otherwise noted, only has one nominee, so no one is ever disappointed. Because that sucks. Ask Raul Esparza about that. And Off-Broadway is eligible too, but they get Faux-bies instead of Fauxnys. Because that makes obvious sense. Anyway. And the winners were…

Best Actor in a Musical Who Is Not Even Nominated for Best Actor in a Musical
Winner – Benjamin Walker

Best Actress in a Shitty Leading Role
Tie – Donna Murphy & Beth Leavel

Best Bored-Looking, Guitar-Playing Sibling of a Leading Man Who is Not Eligible for Anything Because His Show Never Actually Opened
Winner – Zane Carney

Best Stage-Door Appearance in a Sequined Dress by a Replacement Actor
Winner – Billie Joe Armstrong

Best Press Representative
Winner – Christopher Tierney

Best Freckle-Dappled Nakee Back in a Musical
Winner – Aaron Tveit

Best Totally Stupid Line in a Really Intelligent Play
Winner – “Grouse are Bastards” Arcadia

Best Attempt (and Ultimate Failure) at Upstaging a Major Hollywood Star
Winner – Christopher J Hanke

Best Revival of a Show That Technically Is Not Open But Is Also Barely Closed
Winner – Hair on Tour

Best Bewitching Eyebrows
Tie – Andrew Rannells and Tom Riley

Best Use of Underwear Branding on Stage
Winner – John Gallagher Jr. in American Eagle

Most Excellent Hair
Winner – Alex Timbers

Best Lips Atop a Beautiful Pile of Muscles That Were Clearly Carved Out of Marble
Winner – Nick Adams

BONUS ROUND
Faux-bie Award:
Best Abs You Never Even Expected
Winner – Michael Esper