the craptacular

One of our favorite performances of the year? Shalita Grant’s portrayal of the psychic housemaid Cassandra in Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike. With a Tony nomination and a spate of other awards under her belt, this Broadway newcomer is having one hell of a season. We chatted with her about the show, the Tonys, doing laundry, how it feels to perform in jail, and much more. Read on…

Lucky: So it’s a totally busy time of year for you.

Shalita: Today, you know what I get to do? I get to separate my laundry.

L: So between going to amazing parties and accepting awards, you still have to do laundry.

S: You know, that’s reality right there. I tried to hire a cleaning woman, and even she was like, ‘No, I’m not doing your laundry.’

L: Most important question. What are you wearing to the Tonys?

S: I just hope I won’t be naked. I don’t really know. I’ll be wearing shoes, I know that. I just got some.

L: What are the shoes?

S: I got some Steve Maddens. We’ll see if they work with anything.

L: Second most important question: Who’s going to be your Tony date?

S: Oh, my manager. My managers are my family. They’ve been with me for a really long time and they’ve worked really hard. It’s only been a short time since I graduated, but there have been some difficult times and they were right there with me. So it’s their award too, and their nomination.

L: How is the show going?

S: Girl, it’s crazy. You know, last night I made David and Kristine laugh. We’re still cracking each other up. We’ve done this show for over 250 performances at this point and we’re so in the groove of it and so comfortable that any little thing that’s slightly different is enough to make us crack up.

L: What happened?

S: There’s a moment when my character, Cassandra, is going off on these visions she’s having, and David’s line is something like, ‘Casandra, can’t you just come in here and just say good morning?’ And I said good morning, but I said it really high pitched, and he and Kristine both started giggling.

L: It sounds like you guys are having fun up there.

S: We’re having so much fun.

L: So, you play a psychic in the show. Do you have any psychic powers in your offstage life?

S: It’s so ironic that I play a psychic in the play and I haven’t forseen any of these awards. I had no idea. So I’m not a very good psychic in real life. I’m not method acting, I can tell you that much.

L: Have you ever gone to a psychic?

S: You know, I did see a psychic one time. I had just graduated, and I had gone seven months straight without a job. And I was really afraid that it wasn’t going to work out for me. Well, she didn’t know what the hell she was talking about. It was crazy. I was looking to see if anything she predicted would actually happen, and it didn’t happen.

L: Do you remember any of the things that she told you?

S: Yes! It was all very broad. She was like, ‘Yeah, you’re going to be working with a bunch of men and it will be intimidating, but you won’t be intimidated. You will overcome it.’ Well, I didn’t have a damn job for the next four months. Where were the men? Where was the job? It was not like that at all. The next job I got… Oh god, I can’t tell you that story…

L: Oh, sure you can!

S: It was a festival of one-acts and it was legit in the projects. It was inside the projects. They told me that they’d just renovated this theater, and I was like, ‘Oh, cool. That’s awesome!’ I needed the job, and they weren’t really paying anything, but it sounded like this would be a great opportunity. So the first day of tech, they gave us the address and I was walking around in the projects and I was like… There’s no way in hell that the theater is here. And I asked people and they were like, ‘I don’t know, but there’s a community center right there.’ But there was only one man on that show, and he was the director. And none of us had any idea what we were getting into.

L: So your one experience with a psychic was not particularly successful.

S: No, she was awful! And she was such a scam. Right before I went in, I was talking on the phone to my boyfriend at the time. And I think she heard me say his name a couple of times. So I go upstairs with her and then she pulls this move on me: ‘Who is so-and-so?’ And she said his name. I told her that was my boyfriend’s name, and she was like, ‘You guys have a great relationship. You’re going to be together for a long time.’ Well he was awful, so she was wrong on all counts. So I will never see another psychic again.

L: In those lean times, did you ever take non-acting jobs?

S: There was a time when I was a personal trainer. But back then, I just assumed that it was cool to just say what was on my mind, as long as it was constructive. Because I’m an actor. I’m used to collaborating. I’m used to the director giving me a note, and if the note doesn’t make sense, I would say, ‘I don’t get the note. Let’s work on it.’ I’m like, I’ve got feelings. We need to figure this out. But I had this job, and the manager, it was her first time managing and she wasn’t very good. So I was just like, listen. You’re the manager. You should be able to manage. Well, she did not like that and did not appreciate that.

L: You went to a performing arts high school, right?

S: I did. I went to two. I went to Appomattox Regional Governor’s School in Virginia. And I wasn’t a good teenager so then I got shipped out to Baltimore to live with my dad’s family. And I went to Baltimore School for the Arts, which is how I really got started.

L: What do you mean by you weren’t a good teenager?

S: Oh, you know. I lived in Petersburg, Virginia. So there was a lot of boredom and cows. It was a situation where I didn’t feel challenged. I got into this school, and I got shut out of a lot of plays because it was a new program and I was a freshman. So I started skipping school and hanging out. So eventually my mom was like, you should leave — the state. So I got to Baltimore and Baltimore is a tough city. If you’re a badass there, you’re very dedicated to the badassery. And I was just rebelling. I wasn’t serious. So when I got to Baltimore, I was like… Oh, y’all are serious. I’m not really in a bad situation. I’m just sad, and I’m acting out and want attention. So I just needed to get it together.

I got to Baltimore when I was 15, in the second half of sophomore year. And Baltimore School for the Arts only auditioned eighth and ninth graders. So I was way late, and so we went to the school and asked for an audition. We explained that it was extenuating circumstances, and asked that they please give me an opportunity. And Donald Hicken, who was the head of the acting program, let me come in. I did two or three monologues for him, and he was like, ‘You can start next week.’ So I lucked into the best situation.

L: How did you get from Baltimore to the Julliard?

S: That’s how I found out about Julliard. An acting teacher there, Richard Pilcher, took me aside and said, ‘Are you thinking of auditioning for arts schools?’ He said I should audition at Julliard, and I was like… ‘What’s that?’ And he was like, ‘It’s a good school. You should audition.’ So I got to Julliard, and it was my first college audition. And I didn’t really know what it was, so I didn’t really care. It just seemed like practice for other schools that I thought I wanted to get into. Then I got in, and I got into the other schools that I auditioned for. It came down to whoever gave me the most money, and Julliard gave me a full ride. So I was like, OK, I guess I’m going to Julliard. Then I got there, and I was like, what the hell was I thinking?! Why didn’t someone tell me? I got there and I realized, this is the school. This is serious business. And I grew so much there. And it was a great experience.

L: What was your craziest onstage mishap?

S: Oh boy. So I’m not going to tell you what show this happened on, but I fell asleep once backstage. I fell asleep and almost missed an entrance. I mean, by like… 20 seconds.

L: What’s the craziest audience you ever performed for?

S: When I was working at the Public Theater, I did Measure for Measure for the Shakespeare Mobile Unit. So we went to jails, often. We were always performing in jails. The jailhouse audiences, they were a captive audience, no pun intended. But sometimes when we went and performed for free people, they were awful! We went to this one place in the Bronx, and we all get it. These people were in a sad situation. But we were in the cafeteria doing Shakespeare and they hated us. At one point, during the performance, the lights flickered. And we just kept going, but this one woman in the audience must have taken that as a sign, because she yelled out, ‘Y’all need to call the director and leave!’ Like she just wanted us to know how bad we were. And then there was another woman who got up and stood in the middle of the stage with her hands on her hips trying to intimidate us into not doing Shakespeare. But we were committed to doing Shakespeare. Then she left, and came back with a glittery hat, and she stood in the same place. And we were doing scene transitions like, ‘Excuse me,’ trying to get by this woman. Well, that was terrifying.

L: What advice would you give to your 17-year-old self?

S: At 17, I had just graduated from the Baltimore School for the Arts, and I had gotten a job at the Baltimore Aquarium. And I was saving money to move to Julliard. When I moved to New York, I came on my own. So, at 17, I was hopeful and so glad to be on my own, finally. But I would tell myself to not be so afraid. I would tell myself that I would meet people. That I would have friendships that are meaningful and that will fill me, and to not be afraid of being alone. To not be intimidated by what I was moving into. I would say, ‘You’re going to meet people that are going to fill the void and be the family that you want.’

L: Thank you so much for your time today.

S: Thanks! I hope you take out any curse words that I use.

L: Well, I will say. We do use some curse words on our site. So it’s actually totally OK.

S: Yeah, don’t put so many in there, if you can.

Dear Shalita Grant,

This year, regardless of your prospects on the actual big day, you win the Tony of My Heart. Here’s why: in a show of big-ass performances, being given by some pretty big-ass actors, you cleared a big-ass path for yourself on that stage, and made Cassandra your own.

With your brightly drawn, over-the-top-and-yet-somehow-still-completely-in-check performance in Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike you walked on stage and prophesized your way right into our hearts. That your Broadway debut was punchy and powerful enough to earn a Tony Nomination is a heck of a big deal, and we see big things for you in the future. In fact, we seriously hope someday we can say we “loved you when…” But for now, we’ll just enjoy giggling our faces off in the Golden Theater while you–errr, Cassandra, puts everyone around her in their place.

ps. Lucky just interviewed you (look for it this week!) and she said you’re totally hilarious and fun, which only makes me love you more.

 

So, as we’ve recently established Broadway’s Nick Blaemire is in a band. It’s called The Hustle. And it involves a badass female trumpet player, and several other cute boys playing various musical instruments like the gutair and trombone and saxophone while Nick commands the stage with some white boy swag.

They’re fun.

And they’re also generous. We’ve got a Nick Blaemire and the Hustle EP AND a pair of tickets to their 54 Below show Friday night (5/31) to give away to you, our dear, lovely readers.

Want to win? Entering is easy.

Just make sure you follow @thecraptacular on Twitter then Tweet or RT the following phrase:

I want @thecraptacular to help me hustle down to 54 Below with a pair of tix for The Hustle’s gig this Friday! RT and Follow to win.

We’ll pick a winner Thursday afternoon and give you a shout. Hope to see you guys at the show!

Saturday afternoon in the most dreadful, gray, windy, terrible weather, Broadway’s Nick Blaemire hauled himself out of his warm dry apartment and schlepped all the way to the High Line to hang out with us for a bit. Why, you ask? Well, to make some Vines and talk about The Hustle, of course.

The Hustle, for anyone who doesn’t already know, is Nick’s band. They’ve got a gig coming up at 54 Below this Friday, and we wanted Nick to introduce you to them before the show.

 
Oh, wait… it was just us and Nick goofing around on the High Line and, for a while, entertaining the tourists who had braved the wind and rain. Nick riffed on his tiny mini-Martin (which he transported in the case that traveled with him on the Altar Boyz tour, natch) and played us snippets of a couple Hustle songs, including “Trouble” and “Headturner”, which is our favorite and which you obviously need to listen to right now.
 

Trouble

 

Headturner

 

And last, but not least, we couldn’t possibly let Nick go without making us a list of his personal Five Hottest Hotties on Broadway. So. That’s a thing that’s happening, here and now, and you should watch it.

Maybe I’m crazy, but I thought that Tony Winner Steve Kazee would want to be interviewed somewhere discreet. The back of some dark restaurant or something, so as not to be recognized. In actuality, I met him at a juice joint on 9th Avenue where he had snagged the one and only table, which happens to be in the front window. He wore a pair of dark jeans and a black t-shirt, if you must know. And he talked about love. And quantum physics. And Pound Puppies. All in a day’s work for Steve Kazee, who begins an engagement at 54 Below this evening. Here’s how it went…

Lucky: What will we hear at your 54 Below show?

Steve: Well, I’m going to be doing some of my own stuff. When I went on vocal rest back in February, I just had a bunch of songs come out of me. Like I said on Facebook or Twitter the other day, I had to lose my voice in order to find it. I’d always tried to write songs, and never been all that successful at it.

And when I couldn’t sing, I was just playing the guitar to keep myself occupied, and I just started hearing all of these songs. And I just started writing them down. I don’t know how it all came about. It just sort of happened. And I just decided I was going to say yes to the next thing that came up. Then 54 Below called.

L: How’s your voice doing?

S: It’s good. I’m 100% and ready to go, and ready for people to see I’m OK again.

L: Everyone was kind of worried about you.

S: Honestly, it’s so common in our business. It just so happens that mine happened right at the end of my contract. So it seemed like there was drama behind it all. But the reality is that this happens to a lot of people. And we feel this stigma in our business that we can’t talk about having vocal problems. But each year, the keys in musicals keep going higher and higher, and people are out of shows a lot. We’re trending toward more pop and rock and it’s just harder on your voice.

L: Can you tell us what the songs are about?

S: It’s hard to say that there’s a running theme, but they deal a lot with loss. They deal a lot with love. They deal a lot with broken hearts. I have some hopeful tunes in there, but even my hopeful tunes are a little melancholy. And I’ll do some covers. They’re both Damian Damien Jurado songs. He’s one of my favorite artists. And I’m also doing a Ryan Adams song.

L: You’re talking about all these melancholy, emotional songs that you wrote. And I feel like this idea about you is so common. That you actually are Guy in Once.

S: It’s not true at all, actually. That’s the funny thing. People felt like I wasn’t actually working that hard in Once. But in reality, I was working really hard. Because that’s just not me on a personal level. It might be me on the inside, but we all have that. We all have that sadness. And early on, one of the critiques of the show was like, ‘How could that guy not have a girlfriend?’ and ‘How could that guy be broken hearted?’ but it’s a silly thing to think that looks or your career or your personality or anything keeps you from being sad. We all feel it. Everybody feels sadness. But I’m not bleak or that melancholy. I went through a lot of stuff last year. And that was people’s introduction to me, even though I’ve been kicking around for a while. And unfortunately sometimes the first image that you give to people is the last image that sticks in their minds. It’s fine.

L: But is it really a bad thing for you as an actor if people are all like, ‘Now there’s a deep, introspective guy.’

S: I think people like that a lot, yeah. I think people dig the hopeless romantic thing. I really am a hopeless romantic. When I fall in love, I fall in love. But when you do that, you also fall out of love. I was actually talking to a friend of mine recently about this and I said that I would much rather love really hard and lose really hard than to never really love all that hard. You know what I mean? I always go into it like, this could epically fail. And it will be awful and painful and hurt, but you get more out of it. And if you get lucky enough to find the one that is really special, it was all worth it in the end.

L: And then you get to use all that stuff in your work.

S: Well there you go. But I’m not too method-y like that. I don’t spend hours in the dressing room like, getting myself worked up. Usually I’m rushing in five minutes to get dressed and get out onstage.

L: Did you always want to be an actor when you were a kid?

S: No. I didn’t get involved until I was in college. So I was kicking around doing a thousand other things before I did theater.

L: What kinds of things did you do?

S: I worked at a yogurt shop in Kentucky. I worked at Applebee’s. I’ve done it all. I worked at a movie theater as an usher. Then I went to law enforcement school for a year. I thought I was going to be a cop. I’ve been all over the place.

L: What were you like in high school?

S: I was a loser. Well, I didn’t think I was a loser, but like… I was poor. I didn’t have a ton of friends. I didn’t have cool clothes. I was quiet and withdrawn, and I kind of kept to myself. I had a spiked haircut with a mullet and I wore an army jacket all the time and a Metallica t-shirt. I didn’t even like Metallica, but I liked that black t-shirt with the bones on it. I was kind of loner. But then when I got into my junior year of high school, I transferred to a smaller school, and it was just easier on me. I met a lot more people. I played sports. There weren’t as many cliques there and it opened me up a lot. I started singing in the choir.

L: Is that when you started singing?

S: I sang as far back as I can remember, but I started playing guitar at 12, but never really for anybody. It was always just for me. It’s funny to look back on. I never knew at the time that it would become such a thing. It was always just a hobby.

L: So many actors have stories where they graduate from high school and come straight to New York. It sounds like you had a whole other path.

S: I did. I left college in the middle and traveled the country two years. I was just working at any little theater I could work at. I worked at a couple of community theaters in Syracuse, one in Palm Springs, a place called Oceano, California, which is up north near Pismo Beach. I went to Florida – anywhere I could get a job. I did summer stock in North Carolina. I was getting paid like $200 a week, and they’d let me stay at some theater patron’s house. And it was the greatest life, you know?

L: Are you in the midst of auditioning for stuff right now?

S: Not really. It’s kind of a dead zone right now. Everything is open for the Tonys. We’re kind of in a holding pattern until after the Tonys and then the workshops will start picking up. So maybe by the summer or the fall I’ll have some kind of plan, but I needed a break, frankly. After everything happened with my voice and I needed to leave the show prematurely, I needed a break. And this has been a good break.

L: Are you headed right back to musicals, or is Hollywood knocking on your door?

S: I don’t think Hollywood is knocking on the door, no.

L: That’s honestly pretty surprising to me. You won a Tony. You hung out with Anna Wintour.

S: I did hang out with Anna Wintour. That was so last year, though. You’ll notice that I did not get invited to the Met Gala this year. But I think it’s just a matter of waiting on what’s next. I’m not opposed to doing another musical. It would have to be something that meant something to me. There’s a lot of really interesting people that I’d like to work with. I worked with Adam Gwon once, and I’d really like to do something with him. I’d like to do something new and fresh.

L: Required question: Where do you keep your Tony?

S: On a shelf. Everybody always asks that question. It sits next to my couch on a little stand.

L: Do people ask you if they can hold it?

S: Nah. Not really. Actually, my friend from home asked if he could hold it. I do wake up every once in a while and just spin the medallion. That’s always fun. Then some days I see it and I can’t actually believe that it all happened.

L: OK, lightening round. What’s the last book that you read?

S: Um… The Hidden Reality of Parallel Universe… and… Hold on, I have to look it up. It’s a really good book. It’s by this guy Brian Green who is a theoretical physicist.

L: You’re reading this for fun.

S: Yeah. I’m a bit of a nerd. The Hidden Reality of Parallel Universes and the Deep Walls of the Cosmos.

L: Woah.

S: Yeah, it’s pretty deep.

L: What’s your favorite kind of cookie?

S: I would say white chocolate chip macadamia nut.

L: What’s your favorite mid-to-late nineties pop song?

S: “Mr. Jones.”

L: What is a word that you use too often, and a word you don’t use enough?

S: I use “fuck” way too often. Can you put that on your blog?

L: On our blog? Yeah, no worries.

S: A word I don’t use enough? Ostentatious.

L: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal when you were a kid?

S: My favorite stuffed animal was an all-black Pound Puppy. I was so stressed out that I was not going to get the all-black Pound Puppy and that Santa was going to mess it up and get me a white one with a brown spot or something. There’s a photo of me opening said Pound Puppy. I named it Bart.

L: Did you know that Sierra Boggess had a Pound Puppy too?

S: No way. Mine got chewed up by an actual all-black dog.

L: Last question. What question would you love to be asked in an interview?

S: Anything about quantum physics.

L: OK. Explain quantum physics in two minutes. Go.

S: Yes. There’s an experiment called the double slit experiment, which is basically at the root of quantum physics. It’s an experiment where they pass little bits of matter – so like, little electrons – through these two slits onto a wall, or onto a recording plate. And what they found was that until you actually observe what it’s doing, a particle can either be a wave – like a wave in water – or it can be a solid piece of matter. So the idea is, that until you look at this countertop that we’re looking at right now, until we observe it or feel it, that it’s just a random set of wave functions. So it’s not actually “there” until it’s observed. Which then sort of opens up the question of which came first, consciousness or the universe. So was the universe there and we were born into it? Or were we born, and the universe came from there?

L: Thanks, Steve.

S: Cool.

 

Yesterday, Stephen Schwartz composed a new harmony, just for me. Then, I promptly laid it down on a new track for his next album. And what were you doing, again?

…Okay. I’m embellishing. Or lying. Whichever. Mr. Schwartz was actually composing that harmony for a crowd of several hundred Pippin fans, all of whom sang together, live, for the Broadway Revival’s forthcoming cast recording. It was pretty badass. Even if it wasn’t a special treat just for me.

To set the scene–yesterday afternoon approximately 600 contest-winning Pippin fans piled into the pews at the Ethical Culture Center on the Upper West Side. We were all there to join Andrea Martin in a sing-along of her show-stopping number “No Time at All.”

When I arrived someone mentioned offhand that they would be teaching us harmonies. I laughed out loud. “Sure, that’ll last for about two seconds, then we’ll all be singing in unison again.” Because… 600 people? 30 minutes of practice? I mean. I had personal friends spread throughout the room who had personally told me they could not sing. No way would this crowd just learn a harmony by ear and then get it right enough to put it on a professionally recorded and released record. No. Fucking. Way.

That’s the last time I underestimate a crowd of theater lovers. Or Charlie Alterman and Stephen Schwartz. But mostly, Charlie Alterman. In case you didn’t know, Charlie is Pippin‘s Musical Director and our fearless leader for the afternoon. He’s also the cutest, and whether he knows/likes it or not, my future husband. Charlie’s enthusiastic teaching really was the key to our success.

In fact, we were so successful learning/laying down a harmony for the main chorus, that Stephen and Charlie made the impromptu decision to compose us a new harmony to add under Andrea’s voice on the final notes of the track.

That we’d been so good we were gonna get a new harmony seemed pretty freaking cool on it’s own. And then, Andrea Martin stopped everything for a second to point out that this was kind of historic. Stephen Schwartz was actually composing something new just for us, right in that moment. And suddenly, everything seemed ten million times cooler.

Now I can’t wait to get my hands on that record. Not just because I know I’m on it, but also because, we were good. To quote Andrea Martin again: “Are there any Mormons out there? Because literally you sound like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.”

Or, you know, Pippin‘s biggest fans.

The best part of Aaron Tveit’s concert at 54 Below on Friday night was a moment he never expected. In fact, if I were to wager a guess, it’s a moment he dreaded and possibly wishes he could forget.

It came about halfway through the show, when, in the middle of a pretty bangin’ rendition of Jason Robert Brown’s “I Could Be In Love With Someone Like You,”* Aaron totally forgot the words. We’re not even talking a small linguistic bobble that homeboy caught and sang on through, either. We’re talking a full-on, stopped-the-band, turned-his-back-on-the-audience-to-check-the-sheet-music, kind of fuckup.

And it was utterly glorious. Because in that moment, slick, perfect, poised Aaron–Stage Aaron, who doesn’t show fear or say the wrong thing–disappeared completely, and there, before us, was Real Aaron. He panicked. But he also laughed at himself, and f-bombed, and carried on. And in that shining moment we heard Aaron’s real voice… the one he hears when he faces himself in the mirror every morning.

And then, two things happened. First… Aaron became ten thousand times more beautiful and compelling and charming. And second? The show took off and began to soar. Aaron’s love songs seemed more deeply felt. His “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” cover was funnier than it had any right to be.

Because Aaron had now seen the world A.F. (After Fuckup) and he realized it wasn’t such a bad place. In the world A.F. the audience was still with him. In fact, we were more with him than ever before. Because even without intending to, Aaron had just created the most amazing sense of intimacy with us. We saw our star as human, watched him pick himself up with grace and humor, and knew immediately and completely that we’d shared something with him that no one else would ever share with him again.

This was the reason we were all here to begin with. To have a shot at spending even a few moments with the man underneath the Aaron Tveit armor. There, in that glorious fuckup, our wildest dreams came true.

 

*Let’s also talk about how this is The Mick’s favorite JRB song, and one of her favorite theater songs just in general, and how she would never even have dared to dream about Aaron performing this. In the moment that it became clear what he was about to sing, she basically stopped breathing and suspected she was actually dying. Which, at that point, wouldn’t have been so bad.

Video: lalalalauraa4

The nominations have been announced, so you know what that means. It’s time to start styling outfits and selecting the perfect shoes. Oh, and lining up a date for theater’s most important party of the year–The Tony Awards! In case you needed some assistance in deciding which lovely lady you’d be best suited to ask, we’ve put together a quick little quiz to guide you in the right direction.

So read on. And sorry, theater people, but we’re not sorry–you’re going to have to do some math here. Grab some scratch paper and a pencil and get ready to tally up your answers. We’re rocking this quiz like it’s 1995!

 

What are you wearing?

• Black tie, obvs, but with a fanciful flare. (1 pt)
• Layers. You’ve got a big reveal in mind for the ceremony. (2 pts)
• Something that showcases your personality. And a fab shoe. (3 pts)
• A thoughtfully curated combination of high and low fashion. (4 pts)

 

Do you really really need your date to win tonight?

• Why else would I be here? (2 pts)
• On a scale of one to dire, I see it as about a 6. (4 pts)
• As long as my date gets to impress someone famous with her sparkling wit, I’m fine. (3 pts)
• It’s an honor just to be here with someone who’s nominated. (1 pt)

 

What’s your idea of a great after-party?

• Regaling the room with my sense of humor, then maybe canoodling in the corner with my hot date. (3 pts)
• I should be swinging from the chandeliers before the night is out. 2 pts)
• A mocktail or two before a semi-sensible bedtime. (1 pt)
• Some serious analysis of the ceremony over drinks. And then, clearly, some late night dancing. (4 pts)

 

How do you plan to spend the morning before the awards?

• Practicing some yoga, to limber up for a long night. (2 pts)
• Does the royal treatment take very long? (1 pt)
• Combing vintage shops for the perfect final touches to your ensemble. (4 pts)
• Brunch with the girls, then hair/make-up/the whole nine yards at a swank salon. (3 pts)

 

Pick your poison:

• Whiskey, rocks. (4 pts)
• Tonic water and lime, but please, bartender, splash some gin in there when no one is looking. (2 pts)
• That custom cocktail you’re slinging is a fun color. I’ll take two! (3 pts)
• Do you have any lemonade? (1 pt)

 

What’s your dream arrival?

• Stepping out of something flashy, preferably with twinkly lights inside. (1 pt)
• As long as our transport is good for the environment, I’m down with anything. (4 pts)
• I hope to tumble out of a limo full of cast-mates and friends, still laughing at a great joke. (3 pts)
• Surrounded by handsome young folks, on the arm of someone destined to win. (2 pts)

 

Does your date honestly think it’s a honor just to be nominated?

• Yes! Why would she lie? (1 pt)
• LOL. That’s comedy. (3 pts)
• She’s basically already won, so… (2 pts)
• I know that’s a safe answer, and could be a cop-out, but she does genuinely feel that way. (4 pts)

 

What are you planning to do the next day?

• Sleep all day. Perhaps while clutching my lady’s Tony to my chest tenderly. (2 pts)
• Brunch. I’ll need an immediate stream of caffeine and alcohol when I awake. (3 pts)
• Coffee and the New York Times. (4 pts)
• Scrapbook, obviously. Gotta preserve those memories before they fade. (1 pt)

 

What are you hoping to see in the Swag Bag?

• All things glittery. (1 pt)
• A reusable water bottle. And maybe a subscription to a smart new magazine. (4 pts)
• Something I can snack on during the interminable ceremony. (2 pts)
• Booze. And new kicks. (3 pts)

 

What’s your red carpet strategy?

• Providing my date witty diversions between mindless interviews. (4 pts)
• Beaming, just a few steps out of the spotlight, and letting her sparkle. (1 pt)
• Generalized horsing around. Fab posing. (3 pts)
•  I’m staying tight to my lady’s side. She may be a ham, but the red carpet is a bit of a snooze for her nowadays and she loves company. (2 pts)

 

BOOM! You’re done. Now tally up your answers and click on the corresponding link below to meet your the date of your Tony Awards dreams:

• You scored: 10-18 points.
• You scored: 19-26 points.
• You scored: 27-34 points.
• You scored: 35-40 points.

 

Kinky Boots Dominates Everyone
Since basically September, anyone who was anyone viewed the Tonys as the race for second place to Matilda. In basically all relevant categories. And then, Ben Brantley jizzed all over it, and that seemed like a done deal. Matilda for everything. Until yesterday morning. When somehow, Kinky Boots dominated EVERYONE with 13 Nominations. Even if the Matlida girls had been eligible for Lead Actress it wouldn’t have beat Kinky Boots. How did this even happen, nominating committee? And can we have some of whatever you were on when you saw Kinky Boots? We bet it was fun.

Stark Sands earns Lead Actor in a Musical (And there go Billy Porters hopes and dreams)
We’ve been smitten with Stark Sands since the moment we first saw him sing–in The Twelfth Night–and were totally thrilled to see him nominated for a Tony this morning. But where the hell did he come from? In the lead up to the nominations, homeboy’s name was on nobody’s lips. Any talk of actor nods for Kinky Boots was almost exclusively about Billy Porter, who’d actually seemed like the season’s most credible competitor to Bertie Carvel (already an Olivier winner for this role). Too bad he’s likely to split the Kinky vote with Stark, now. Looks like Bertie’s all but locked this shit up.

Anthony Warlow
So, let’s get this straight. You ship Anthony Warlow all the way over here from Australia. He gives the most solidly charming performance in a somewhat tedious musical about and for screaming young children. He’s benevolent and handsome and he’s in all these stupid ads all over town that are weirdly sexual in a way that we kind of appreciate, but that still make us vaguely uncomfortable. And you’re not giving this man a Tony nomination? Are you joking? No wonder we can’t get Ramin Karimloo over here for more than a week at a time.

Where Are You, Daniel Sullivan?
Nowhere near the Tony nominations, it turns out. With two high-profile shows this season, Sullivan couldn’t squeeze out a single nomination anywhere. It’s a bit of a shame, too. We kind of loved his sparse, jerky Glengarry, Glen Ross, and his paranoid, Archie-Bunker-meets-Headbangers-Ball take on Orphans. Plus, isn’t the deal that if Daniel Sullivan shows up, he should get nominated for something, whether he totally deserves it or not? Isn’t that usually how the Tonys work?

Also, Bette Midler? Bueller?
Not an ounce of love for Midler in her well-reviewed performance as Hollywood agent Sue Mengers. This just wasn’t the year for solo shows, apparently. Or famous people. Or known quantities. You know, all the things that Broadway has been busting its collective ass to produce for the last six years.

So Much Cinderella
Much as we love its stellar cast, we’re sort of breaking our brains over how this frustrating revival (or whatever it is…) has somehow found itself nominated for nine Tonys. William Ivey Long’s costumes dazzle, but you’ve seen them all before, from Disneyland to Sex and the City to Whoville. Best book? Totes no effing way, as the characters themselves would say, in totally anachronistic fashion. Best revival? Sound design? Lighting? Maybe we’re as grumpy and jaded as the wicked stepsisters… except they’re not grumpy and jaded any more. Get with the times, dudette. Cinderella is modern now! So let’s give her some Tonys and stuff.

Stephanie J Block for Lead Actress in a Musical, Drood
Her performance in Drood was, admittedly, great. And without the Matlidas, the Lead Actress in a Musical category had certainly opened up, but Stephanie J Block’s name still came out of nowhere. Drood has been closed for months and sadly, even Lilla Crawford seemed to have more awards buzz than Block. That being said, we’re stoked to see a woman, and not an insufferable stage child, snag the fifth slot. That she’s a hardworking, genuine theater star, only makes us happier. Can’t wait to see this beautiful lady and her handsome husband Sebastian Arcelus hit the red carpet in June.