the craptacular

Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson has closed and a girl needs to get her fix when and where she can.  So, on a frigid Tuesday night in early January, I left my Snuggie behind and checked out Benjamin Walker’s Find the Funny at The Tank on 45th Street.  And damn, Gina, did it feel good to take a hit of that.  Here are the top three reasons why:

1. Ben Walker. It’s not even worth pretending I had noble intentions.  I went to Find the Funny Tuesday night for one reason only: Benjamin Walker.   Walker alone was worth the price of admission, too, and not just because he looks fine as fuck up on a stage, even when he’s not wearing tight, tight jeans.  His stand up is damn good and his “Cooking with Ben Walker” video segment cracked my friend and me up for hours after the show.  (Bonus: Walker’s iPod appears to provide the pre-show soundtrack, and he’s got bangin’ taste. Love me some “Crosstown Traffic.”)

2. The comedians were actually funny. I know, I know.  It’s fucked up that I went just to see Walker and it’s even more fucked up that I went expecting things to be…less than stellar.  But fortunately, I was proved completely wrong.  The lineup was so great—I actually almost laughed myself right out of my chair at Pat Dixon’s jokes about the Greek Alphabet—that next time I’ll actually go back just to see who Walker is going put on that stage.

3. There were white men dancing. There is pretty much nothing as awesomely entertaining as watching white men dance.  And man did we get some of that entertainment Tuesday night.  At the end of the comedy portion of the show, the Bloody Bloody Band—Justin Levine (swoon), Charlie Rosen, and Kevin Garcia—set up and play some badass covers and that’s when the real show starts. White men losing their minds to the Beatles.  The guy in front of us was in constant jeopardy of accidentally punching someone in the face.  Lucas Near-Verbrugghe was absolutely killing it with the ladies.  Even Hugh Dancy was getting in on the jam session, beer in hand, with his white man head-bob.  I would have paid hundreds for a show like that.  Last night it only cost me eight. So worth the price of admission.

Don’t get us wrong. We’re looking forward to the coming year in theater. If all goes as planned, we’re slated to see Dan Radcliffe singing, Aaron Tveit with his shirt off (again), and original scores from Alan Menken, Marc Shaiman and David Yazbek. Plus there’s Will Swenson in a dress and some new Tony Kushner thrown in there. But. What makes us way more excited is the slow trickle of information about new musicals that are currently in development. Maybe none of them will make it to Broadway in 2011. Maybe all of them will.

But here are the shows that have caught our imaginations–and that would be on our 2011 Broadway dream list, provided that all musicals in development were well written, produceable, comfortably funded, and starring Jonathan Groff, Gavin Creel or Cheyenne Jackson.

Beauty
Regina Spektor herself has said she’s working on the score for this Sleeping Beauty inspired musical every single day.  We’re anticipating its arrival on the Great White Way with fervent hope that it will feature one of our Alterna-Leading Man faves—like John Gallagher Jr.—and some truly swoony tunes from Spektor and lyricist Michael Korie.
Probability that it’ll happen: 19%

The Last Goodbye
Sure, when we saw this at WTF, the cast was about 95% disaster.  But the show itself was there.  Jeff Buckley’s songs were truly a perfect fit for Romeo & Juliet’s tragic tale, and the pared down script and almost modern setting worked extremely well.  Keep Nick Blaemire as Benvolio and start from scratch with the rest—we suggest calling Michael Esper—and you’ve got something that will drive the fan girls crazy.  In a good way.
Probability that it’ll happen: 23%

Newsies
Every time there’s more news on Newsies, we question whether its reality, or just the product of a really glorious fever-dream.  The truth is, we’ve been waiting for this stage musical approximately 19 years, so our biggest wish for 2011 is to see this come true.  Especially with John Arthur Greene in the cast.  (He’s the perfect dancing hoodlum/street urchin!)  Seeing Jay A Johnson as lead Jack Kelly wouldn’t hurt either.  That is, if Newsies can beat The Pool Boy to the punch and make him a STAH.
Probability that it’ll happen: 42.5%

Carrie
Because we didn’t have enough relative flops in the year of 2010, we think it’s high time to revive Carrie.  Except, this time, let’s make it a success!  And let’s put Matt Doyle in there somewhere.  Because every single time we see him in something we are struck with the overwhelming sense that he is the only person on earth who even knows what he is doing.  Also, he’s real cute.
Probability that it’ll happen: 15%

The Pool Boy
OK, so it’s probably not big enough for Broadway. But an off-Broadway run of Nikos Tsakalakos’s frothy little musical The Pool Boy, which was produced at Barrington Stage in 2010, seems within reach for 2011. Our advice? If this is going to happen, book Jay A. Johnson now, before he becomes inevitably and insanely famous.
Probability that it’ll happen: 37%

Godspell
Yes, it’s been done by every high school on earth. Yes, singing clowns are stupid. But a Godspell revival is appealing for its lovely songs, its rumored leading man (Gavin Creel), and for producer Ken Davenport’s brill idea to “crowdsource” its funding. Plus, hints that this new production would deconstruct the old clown idea and present the story in a new way have piqued our curiosity. We’d see it. If it ever opens.
Probability that it’ll happen: 51%

Pippin
Now that every possible Sondheim show has been revived, all of Stephen Schwartz’s musicals suddenly seem ripe for revival. But beyond the fact that “From The Composer of Wicked” would look great on a poster, we’re in love with the idea of a Diane Paulus-directed, Gavin Creel-fronted production, the rumors of which started swirling in November, after a staged reading. But what about Gavin in Godspell, you ask? We think he should do both shows. Hell, this is our dream world. We can cast whoever we want.
Probability that it’ll happen: 43%

The Capeman
The 80s are cool again. Yes, in the rest of the universe, they’ve been cool again for three years, which actually means that they’re uncool again. But Broadway is a little behind. With Diane Paulus’s pared down staging of Paul Simon’s infamous late-80s flop at Shakespeare in the Park, we all had to wonder: Could this actually work on Broadway? The answer, after seeing it, is a resounding “maybe.” The show makes no sense, but wow, those songs are pretty.
Probability that it’ll happen: 20%

Heathers: The Musical
Another musical that proves the 80s are cool again (and reminds us that we recycle 80s fashion at our own peril), we’d love to see the smart, pulpy, biting Heathers: The Musical hit the Broadway stage.  Last year’s reading at Joe’s Pub gave us confidence that the raw materials are ready to go, and with a few adjustments to casting—though bad boy leading man Jeremy Jordan is a keeper—this show could be a winner.   Or at the very least remind us of the best sleepovers we ever had.
Probability that it’ll happen: 10%

Prometheus Bound
Writer Steven Sater has kept a relatively low profile since Spring Awakening, but his newest project, the musical Prometheus Bound, sounds like it could be Broadway-bound, given a new production at Diane Paulus’s A.R.T. up in Boston this winter. With a score by System of a Down’s Serj Tankian (erm…) and rumors that it will star Gavin Creel (yay!), we’re jazzed to see how this show shapes up.
Probability that it’ll happen: 25%

Of all the theatrical happenings in 2010, these moments remain near and dear to our Broadway-obsessed hearts:

LUCKY

Favorite Audience: First Preview of American Idiot
Riding a wave of positive buzz from its California tryout, American Idiot‘s first preview on Broadway lived up to the hype, and it wasn’t because of anything that happened on stage. The crowd was an overexcited mix of the most devoted Green Day and Broadway fans—a potent (and noisy) combination. Applause delayed the curtain (Green Day was in the crowd.) and stopped the show between songs. People were drunk, snapping photos, screaming throughout. Bewildered ushers tried, and failed, to get everyone to shut up, behave, and turn off their damn cell phones. It was something that Broadway doesn’t see very often: A party. And we’re sure that the show’s creators wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Favorite Farewell: The OBC of Hair
Andrew Kober cried in the middle of the show. There were like, 10 standing ovations. What could have been one of the saddest nights of the year ended up being one of its most transcendent. The beloved original cast of Hair peaced out in February before heading to London, and their last performance was a sentimental gushfest. It was also really great theater.

Favorite Show I Loved That Everyone Else Hated: Enron
It closed almost instantly, but Lucy Prebble’s play about the downfall of an American corporation left a big impression. With a towering performance from Norbert Leo Butz as CEO Jeff Skilling, eerie music, multimedia tricks, dinosaurs, and a lightsaber fight, it felt like bold, original theater. Plus, there was that legit crazy moment where where fictional VP Claudia Roe, played with bitchy verve by Marin Mazzie, wiped Skilling’s semen off her leg. It was the best WTF Broadway moment of the year, and was just one of the things that made Enron stand out amidst all the other dullsville dramas from 2010.

THE MICK

Finest Moment: The Lap-Dance
Oh, the lap dance. Never in my life have I been so completely overwhelmed inside a theater. Never in my life will I forget the moment hottie Ben Walker—okay, Andrew Jackson—pressed his crotch against me and straight-up dry humped my chest.  After that I’d vote him President any day.  Logical, I know.  But then… that’s what made the lap-dance so genius.  It encapsulates the point Timbers and Friedman were trying to make with Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson in the first place—American Presidential Politics is more about what turns us on than what makes a good world leader.

Favorite Discovery: Vince Gatton
I went into The Temperamentals last spring with low expectations, motivated mostly by a desire to see Gavin Creel at the evening’s post-show talkback.  I left the theater smarter—having learned all about the supremely important Henry Hay and the Mattachine Society—and totally captivated by the stupidly talented, handsome Vince Gatton.  He only cemented my love with his performance in The Turn of the Screw and his witty Q&A. I’m a fan for life.

Favorite Thing that Wasn’t a Musical: GATZ
This probably should not have worked, even for me.  8+ hours of my life in a dark room at the end of a terrible week, listening to some dude read aloud a book I’ve already read?  But work it did.  I loved every single second of GATZ, from the first silent moments in that dingy office, to the moment Gary Wilmes suddenly embodied Tom Buchanan, the ecstatic paper tossing in Myrtle’s apartment, and the final perfectly-spoken words that fell from Scott Shepherd’s mouth. Perhaps the best part isn’t just that I loved the show.  It’s that it reminded me of why I love books, and reading, and theater, and the city of New York too.  That’s what I call return on investment.

One of the best things about this year? Broadway was actually interested in looking forward to its future instead of back at its past. Here’s what was sparkly and new in 2010.

Get Lost, Intermission
Remember that thing that used to happen about halfway through a Broadway show? It lasted about 15 minutes, and the lights came up and everything stopped. You had time to go to the bathroom. It was called intermission. Yeah, well in 2010, intermission became so uncool that half the shows on Broadway just stopped having them. Or everyone’s attention spans shrunk. Or producers thought they could save some cash by making shows 35% shorter. Whatever the reason, many Broadway shows are now like New Years Eve in Times Square: Pee before you go or live to regret it.

The Alterna-Leading Man Triumphs
Another trend that doesn’t appear to be going anywhere?  The slightly-off-kilter leading man.  John Gallagher Jr. in American Idiot, Benjamin Walker in Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson, Joshua Henry in The Scottsboro Boys, even Gavin Creel in 09’s Hair…these aren’t exactly your traditional Cheyenne Jackson/Steven Pasquale-looking leading beefcakes.  But they keep booking Broadway’s biggest roles.  And frankly, as non-traditional leading ladies ourselves, we LOVE this trend.

Hey, It’s the Year of Sondheim
Not sure if you knew this or not, but Stephen Sondheim turned 80 this year. Oh yeah, you did know. Because he got a theater named after him, had 27 birthday parties, wrote a book, went on Colbert, and was the subject of a new musical review. We can’t think of anyone in theater who’s more worthy of such celebration, but even Steve himself seemed a little weary of all the fanfare in the end. We’re sure he never felt it more acutely than when he saw Sondheim on Sondheim.

Sippie Cups for Booze
Want some wine with your onstage cheese? Starting in 2010, you got it in a spill-proof cup, often printed with the show’s logo. For some of us, it felt kind of infantile. For others, it was a cheaper and more convenient souvenir than most of the show’s merch. Which brings us to…

Let’s All Drink During the Show
Remember the days when you had to finish your beverage of choice before you could return to your seat after intermission? (We suppose you could have thrown it out, but who wastes a $6 soda?)  They are long gone, ladies and gentlemen. So long gone, in fact, that shows have even taken to encouraging your drinking habit. Take that sippie cup of custom cocktail back to your seat!  Fela! even went so far as to put an insert in the Playbill encouraging you to get up from your seat and visit the bar, which stayed open through the entire first act. We here at The Craptacular have never complained.

Rock Is King or Something
The last time the music on the Broadway stage and popular music were one in the same was, unfortunately, back when folks got their pop fix by buying the day’s hottest sheet music.  Something funny seems to be happening these days, though… rock music (you know, the stuff real people actually listen to) is flooding the stage—Spring Awakening, Next to Normal, American Idiot and Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson are just a few examples from recent seasons—and we’re pretty sure it’s finally here to stay.

Replacement Casts are Cool
Once upon a time it kind of sucked when you couldn’t get tickets early enough in a show’s run to see its entire original cast.  (Actually, it still kind of does.)  But recently, the replacement cast has become such a big thing that even the Times waxed poetic on the subject.  In the past few months saw stars like Marin Mazzie and Jason Danieley stepping in as Diana and Dan Goodman in Next to Normal and superstars like Bernadette Peters and Elaine Stritch joining the cast of A Little Night Music.

What Shows Can You Get on TKTS? All Of Them
Once upon a time, Broadway produced roughly one major, long-running hit each year. In that same storied time, the economy was way better, which means that there was such a thing in New York as a hard-to-get ticket. This year, nearly every major show made it to the discount booth at some point, including big hits like Jersey Boys, Billy Elliot and The Addams Family. Wicked and The Lion King might not have been offering cheap seats, but you could still get them on almost any night of the week. That’s a major sea change from years past. Will we have a new bestseller in 2011? Spider-Man, despite its pre-opening drama, could be the show to break the trend, provided that it makes it to opening night. Although if you look at the box office totals for previews, that doesn’t really matter…

Yeah, we said it.  You were great and all, 2010–chock full of hotties, show after show after show, and lots of big performances–but seriously, we’re done with you.  We’re tired of your closing notices and injury reports.  We’re ready for everything 2011 has to offer.  But first, we’ll send you off in style with a quick review of all the reasons we loved and hated you.

BEST

Billie Joe Armstrong Becomes a Theater Nerd

First he wrote a musical. Then he went on Theater Talk. And the Tonys. And did talkbacks and 92^nd St. Y forums. Then he put aside his rockstar life and starred in the show. In short, he’s what you were at age 14 and you saw Cats for the first time: Smitten. In 2010, Billie Joe Armstrong fell in love with Broadway. The best part? He’s actually pretty good at it.

Sorry to break the news to you, but the talented stars of Spring Awakening are no longer your little secret. Thanks to the juggernaut that is Glee – the top-rated show on Fox in 2010 – musicals are now cool, singing is fun, and Lea Michele is half-naked on the cover of GQ. To complete the overthrow of your universe, Jonathan Groff is gay, out, and starring in a Robert Redford movie, along with nine other things. Oh, how far Melchior and Wendla have come. Your street cred? You cay say you knew them when they were bare-assed on a slab, swinging above a Broadway stage.

He’s gorgeous. He’s smart. He’s young. Enter Broadway’s brightest, if mostly unseen (except in the fashion magazines, dahling) star. From a downtown comedy troupe to having not one, but two well-reviewed shows on Broadway this year, Alex Timbers’s name is about to become very household. Our prayer? That he doesn’t move to L.A. and direct terrible romantic comedies for eight times the salary that any Broadway show could provide.

You want to know how old you are? Try this one on for size: Rent has been around for so long that it’s had ample time to go out of style and come back again. With a high profile concert staging at the Hollywood Bowl directed by Neil Patrick Harris (and starring a somewhat confused-looking Vanessa Hudgens and Aaron Tveit in enormous fake mermaid tattoos), and the announcement that it’s going to be re-staged off-Broadway in 2011 by Michael Grief, we had to wonder: Is it too soon? Or , for those of us who saw the original in 1996, are we just way longer in the tooth than we realized?

Remember when Hunter Foster went slightly insane and put up a Facebook page after the Tony’s about how there were too many… not-Broadway people… on Broadway? Except that he couldn’t really explain the difference between a Broadway Person and a Not-Broadway Person? And then we all remembered what it means to have real problems? Or at least fake problems that make sense? Yeah we all remember that. Too bad that all these months later, none of us totally understand what that was all about.

When we saw Memphis in the weeks before the Tony Awards, the audience was half-empty. These days, thanks to its Best Musical win, it’s flirting with a million bucks in ticket sales each week. This is fine except that the show is still really bad. Word on the street is that it won for its potential on the road, and for its middle-of-the-road appeal. In other words, for the most depressing reasons ever, and for reasons that insult audiences. You want to know why really great shows are closing? Because after the Tonys, it became clear that their own industry does a poor-ass job of supporting them.

What did Glee do after it became the most talked-about, highest rated show on TV? It instantly jumped the shark. Bogged down by a cavalcade of useless costars (Meat Loaf? Gwyneth Paltrow?) and fixated on “theme shows” that grabbed ratings at the expense of story arc and great characters, Glee became utterly unwatchable in 2010. The only thing worse? The show’s delusional fans that insist it’s still good.

Cheno is one of Broadway’s most important leading ladies. So why was her star turn in Promises, Promises so dull? Everything about the performance, from her ill-fitting costumes to her awkward attempt at playing “depressed” was so wrong that it allowed her costars, Sean Hayes and Katie Finneran, to solidly steal the show from her. That’s not the girl we know. Nor is it the Broadway we like to watch.

Sondheim on Sondheim is so bad that it makes us kind of hate Sondheim

No. Seriously. After seeing the painfully lackluster Sondheim on Sondheim, it was hard to tell if it was the performances or the material that made us so deeply unhappy.  You know things are going south when you find yourself watching a projection screen showing a YouTube montage in a Broadway Theater.  So far south, in fact, that even the inimitable Barbara Cook can’t save them.  Ouch.

Patrick Wilson Returns to Broadway. For .005 seconds.

You know that recurring (wet)dream you have at least once a week where Patrick Wilson is back on the Broadway stage every night?  And how sad you are every time you wake up and realize it’s been nearly two years since that was real life?  For the blink of an eye Patrick was back on Broadway this fall—in a reading of The Normal Heart—and it was awesome.  And then it was over.  And Patrick was gone again, like usual, leaving us feeling well…unsatisfied.

Elaine Stritch is like, LINE.

Only Elaine Stritch could give one of the best performances on Broadway while simultaneously forgetting/flubbing half her lines. Her delightful turn as Madame Armfeldt in A Little Night Music had audiences roaring with laughter—and wondering who was actually senile, the Madame or Elaine. It made for a surreal night at the theater, sure, but thank goodness for a whiff of dimension in Trevor Nunn’s mostly paint-by-numbers production. There was no confusion about that.

Jackson is a… Loser.

The talk of the town when it played off-Broadway last season—seriously, Isherwood and Brantley both put it on their ‘Shoulda Won 2010 Tonys’ lists—Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson made our sexypants loving dreams come true when the curtain went up in the Jacobs Theater this fall.  Sadly, this inspiring, challenging, vivid work of art didn’t get a chance to find its footing, and it will close after only 120 performances on January 2^nd 2011.  Lamesauce.

How much do we love Laura Benanti? She sings like a bird, she’s cute as hell, she can do the acting thing real well, and she’s married to basically the hottest person on earth. But in Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown, a show she’s busy stealing out from under her more-famous co-stars, we couldn’t help but notice one troubling detail: The butterfly tattoo in the middle of (her? the character’s?) lower back. It’s a butterfly, you guys. A butterfly. Which made us wonder.

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What’s the most terrifying thing you can even imagine happening on Christmas Day?  That bone dry tree in the living room bursting into flames?  Your mother telling everyone at the table the exact time and place in which you were conceived?  (You’ll never be able to look at the old armchair in the living room again!)

Personally, I don’t even have to imagine a most terrifying thing, because it is real.  It is real and it happens every single year, without fail—the moment my parents bust out their perennial fave: “Michael Crawford: A Christmas Album.”  Or, as I like to call it, “The Phantom of the Christmas Album.”

No, but really.  There is basically nothing on this earth I find more disturbing than hearing “Mary Did You Know?” as sung by that murderous psychopath, The Phantom of the Opera.  And it happens every Christmas.  Chills run up my spine.

If you haven’t heard this album, I encourage you to avoid it at all costs.  Sorry, Mr. Crawford.  I mean no disrespect to you or your very important role in the history of theater.  I’m just saying you sound like the Phantom of the Opera every time you open your mouth and sing.  And while that’s awesome on “Music of the Night” and hilarious on “The Colors of the Wind” it is wildly less awesome and not at all hilarious on “Angels We Have Heard on High.”  It’s just upsetting.

Merry Christmas, though, OG.  Merry Christmas to our Dear Readers, too.  May it be joyful and bright.  And full of Christmas songs sung by anyone other than The Phantom of the Opera.

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Could anything make Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark a bigger story in the news? Yes, actually. An actor getting injured during one of the much-touted action scenes.

That’s exactly what happened last night at the Foxwoods Theatre when one of the actors playing Spider-Man – the Times is reporting that it’s Christopher Tierney, per a concerned tweet from Natalie Mendoza — fell into an onstage pit after his safety wire snapped during the penultimate scene. Audience members on Twitter reported seeing ambulances and hearing blood-curdling screams, and that someone in the crowd may have been injured. The Times posted video.

Later reports informed us that the actor–who broke several ribs and suffered some bleeding–is in serious but stable condition, but it’s hard not to wonder: What in hell is going on at that show? Actors get injured sometimes. It’s part of what they do. But with the spotlight turned squarely on Spider-Man for lots of other reasons (It’s real expensive, real complex, and created by people who are real famous.), the injuries at this show have begun seem kind of over-the-top and unusual. Concussions? Safety wire malfunctions? This isn’t what we usually see on Broadway — a place where actors fly all the time.

Our opinions at The Craptacular are pretty mixed. (Lucky: What the fuck are they even doing at that theater? If it’s dangerous, shut it down. The Mick: Give it a minute. This is scary, but we need to know more before we scream for shutdowns. Aerialists know their jobs have risk.)  So we’re putting it out to you.

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It’s freeeezing in NYC, and a whole truckload of shows have entered their final weeks. To fend off the depression, let’s look at what else happened this week on the (literal) Great White Way.

• Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark delays its opening night again. Right now, everyone down at the Foxwoods Theatre is aiming for like… a spring 2013 opening? Ish?
• Producers of The Scottsboro Boys are trying to gauge their audience’s passion for the show — and are weighing the possibility of a spring re-opening — by asking a question: Will you pay $99 for tickets? Funny story, though: Our passion for a show can usually be gauged by the number of times we’ve seen it for $25. (Hint: That adds up to a lot more than $99.)
• Rumors swirled this week that Patti Lupone will star in a revival of Hello, Dolly!, i.e. the dullest show we can even think of. Could no one write a new show for Patti? Oh wait…
• Driving Miss Daisy will extend its run on Broadway. All your favorite shows, by the way, are closing.
• Memphis‘s “official blogger” has written a 160-page book about the show entitled, Memphis Lives in Me: One Brave Blogger’s Journey to Broadway and Beyond. When Playbill wrote about it, however, they omitted the word “Brave,” which is clearly visible on the cover. No word on whether they’re changing the title, but good call in the name of actual bravery, guys. Good call.
• Thora Birch was fired from Dracula because her dad is an insane ex-porn star or something.
• In the most excellent theater-related moment of the week, Stephen Colbert asks Stephen Sondheim the most important question ever: “Well, where were the clowns?”Check out the video:
  

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