Well, team, we’ve crossed the finish line. Seventeen some odd days later, we’ve narrowed the competitors from 32 to 2. Broadway’s ultimate hotties have been found, and we’re here to give them their gold.
I hope you can hear the Broadway’s National Anthem Playing—”Lullaby of Broadway,” natch—next up the is Hottielympics Anthem, “I’m Still Here” performed for us by Geri Halliwell in all her Union- Jack-sporting glory.
Who won gold, you ask? Well, just in case you can’t see them standing atop their respective podiums, clutching their hearts/crying/mouthing the words to our anthem, it was Gavin “Skyscraper” Creel and Sutton “Time Step” Foster. We hope they get “Millie n Jimmy 4EVA” tattooed somewhere on their perfect, gold-medal winning hot bodies to celebrate this honor. Beside their Hottielympics rings tattoos, obviously. If they need ink advice, we urge them to steer clear of Ryan Lochte and just give us a call instead. (If they want to know where to get a Hottielympics Commemorative Grill, however, Lochte is their man. Also, after they’ve chatted with Locthe, they should tell him to give us a call. We’d like to make some water babies with that boy.)
Though their fans fought valiantly, Aaron “Lucky Seven” Tveit–seriously, you should see how many votes he got, we’re flabbergasted–and Audra “Hall of Fame” McDonald took home silver. Audra has a pile of Tony Awards to comfort her should the sting of second-place ever strike at her heart, so she’ll probs be just fine. But if anyone spots Tveit looking aggrieved, again, steer him in our direction. We’re pretty well equipped to comfort him, and we’d ditch Lochte in a hot second for a boy with pipes like his.
Meanwhile, Steve “Feelings” Kazee and Lily “The Bard Babe” Rabe are both going home with bronze medals about their necks. We’re sure Rabe will make everyone wildly jealous by having it reworked as the centerpiece of some fabulous bib necklace to offset her fierce red lipstick at the next red carpet event she attends. And Kazee can also celebrate winning the “Best Sportsmanship” award, given for his epic sense of humor about this whole thing. J’adore.
We’re sad to see the Hottielympics go. Nothing was quite as fun this past few weeks as facepalming sixty times a day when we checked Gavin Creel’s ever growing scores. Or attempting to feign horror but mostly howling with laughter at the incisive yet angry Will Chase lovers who hate us. You fans—of Gavin Creel and Will Chase and Steve Kazee and Jeremy Jordan and Aaron Tveit alike—have made this so gloriously craptacular we cannot even manage to put our feelings into words.
And congrats, again, to our winners. We hope you all celebrate your hips off with your respective lovers tonight. Lucky bastards.
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